Love Potion/Transcript

For the Fred: The Show episode Love Potion.

Transcript
(Fred is at home, facing the camera.)

Fred:  Hi, guys! It's Fred!

(He glances up at his hair, which is sticking out in different directions.)

Fred: (He's annoyed.) Ugh! Down, boy, down!

(He flattens his hair.)

Fred: If it looks like I've been up all night trying to find a science fair project, it's 'cause I have. I still haven't found anything yet. There has to be something science-y in here.

(He starts looking in various places like under the piano seat, the shelves, and wanders around the room.)

Fred: Are you in there, science? Where are you science? Come out, come out wherever you are!

(He's calling dramatically from the stairs.)

Fred: Science! Where are you? Where is it?

(He looks into the hallway.)

Fred: This isn't funny, science.

(He puts on his backpack.)

Fred: I will find you, science.

(He walks into the door.)

Fred:  And I will also look where I'm going.

(The cutscene reveals the episode name and the Fred logo inside a circle.)

(Fred is at school, walking down the hallway with a disinterested Bertha.)

Fred: (He's ranting.) I cannot believe Ms. Kovacks is making us come up with an experiment for our class science fair. I mean, that is totally science unfair.

Bertha: She gave us eight weeks.

Fred: Yeah, and all I came up with was the rubber pencil trick.

(He demonstrates the trick, wiggling the pencil so it looks like it's bendy.)

Bertha: Yeah, you'd have to be pretty dumb to go with that idea.

(Kevin sees him doing the trick and starts walking up to him.)

Kevin: Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa. What do you think you guys are doing, stealing my science fair project?

(He takes the pencil from Fred.)

Kevin: Don't even. Rubber pencil is mine. Peep-skis.

(Kevin does the trick incorrectly, making it still look stiff.)

Kevin: (He's slightly confused.) I mean…

(He shoves it back to Fred.)

Kevin: (He's angry.) Whatever, man! It was working last night. Yours is clearly broken.

(Fred does it correctly.)

Fred: Yeah, it's so broken.

(Kevin smacks it out of his hand.)

Fred: (He's angry.) Oh my gosh, Kevin! Pencils don't grow on trees!

(Fred bends down to pick the pencil up.)

Kevin:  Whoa, that backpack's looking a little heavy there. Hey, I hope it doesn't get any heavier.

(He puts his weight on Fred’s back, knocking him down and making him scream.)

Fred: (as Bertha helps him up.) Kevin! Grow up!

Kevin: That's why I have this "ergonomicable" wheelie backpack.

(He starts moving his wheelie backpack all around.)

Kevin: Wheels around. Just feel that, man.

(He starts dancing with it.)

Kevin: I can dance with it, you know? That's how I roll.

(A girl kicks his backpack and shoves Kevin into the lockers.)

Kevin: Nicolette!

Nicolette: (Ske's agitated.) I thought I told you. This is my hallway, Kev-dork.

(Kevin nervously chuckles.)

Nicolette: You and your dancing backpack better bounce!

Kevin: (He's slightly terrified.) Okay! Okay. Yep.

(He starts to scurry off, his backpack now in his arms.)

Kevin: Got a class I have to—

(He screams and runs away.)

Nicolette: (to herself.) I love messing with that guy.

(She walks off.)

Fred: (He looks very interested.) Who is that girl?

Bertha: Nicolette. The new girl. And apparently Kevin's new bully.

Fred: (He gasps.) I think I'm in love.

---

(Fred begins daydreaming that he and Nicolette are an aristocratic couple.)

Nicolette: (She sighs.) My dear Fred, do you fancy a spot of cheese fries?

Fred: Oh, love. When do I not?

Nicolette: Let's, then.

(They each ring their bells. Nothing happens.)

Nicolette: Kev-dork!

Kevin: (off-screen) Yes!

(He runs into the room, dressed as a butler.)

Kevin: Yes, Master Figglehorn?

Fred: The lady and I would like cheese fries out on the veranda.

Kevin: Yeah, well, whatever, Fred. I don't have to do—

Fred: Sweetheart?

(Under Fred's nod, Nicolette screams wildly. Kevin screams and runs away in fear. They toast. Daydream ends.)

---

(As Fred snaps out of his daydream, he sighs.)

Fred: A girl who bullies Kevin? Be still, my heart.

Bertha: (She's hesitant.) I don't think you should get too…

Fred: I'm gonna go talk to her.

Bertha: Oh, okay.

(He leans against the lockers next to Nicolette's. She looks disinterested as she's getting her stuff.)

Fred: (He attempts to flirt.) So, come to this school often? You know, I'm usually not this forward. But you are the most beautiful, elegant, refined amazing creature I have ever met.

(Nicolette lets out a large burp in his face. She closes her locker and walks away, knocking a student aside in the process.)

Bertha:  Are you okay?

Fred: Oh, it smells like love. And honey mustard pretzels.

---

(Fred just got home.)

Fred:  Oh, Nicolette. I love the way that rolls off the tongue. Nicolette.

(Cutaway gag where he parodies Ricola ads, dressed as a mountaineer in the mountains.)

Fred: Ni-co-lette! Ni-co-lette!

(Cutaway ends. Fred is making a sandwich in the kitchen.)

Fred: Yeah, like that. But once Nicolette finds out that I don't have a science fair project, she'll never want to date me. I've got to think of something. Fast.

(He realizes the bread has mold and recoils over it.)

Fred: Ew! Wait. This is perfect for my science fair project. (He puts it in a jar.) Yay.

(While he throws the rest of the bread away, his mom sneaks over and makes a sandwich with the moldy bread. He turns around to see her eating.)

Fred: (He yells.) Mom!

Fred's mom: (She has her mouth full.) What? Do you want some?

Fred:  That was for my science fair project. Plus, it's moldy.

Fred's mom: (She's disgusted, and drops the sandwich.) Sorry, I thought it was cheese.

Fred: (He's disappointed.) Now I don't have a science fair project to impress Nicolette.

Fred's mom: Freddy, no girl is gonna be impressed by a science fair project. Unless, of course, it's a love potion and you dump it over her head.

(She starts to walk off, visibly sick.)

Fred's mom: Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go have my stomach pumped.

Fred: (He thinks about his mom's words.) That's it! I'll make a love potion for Nicolette, and then I'll get an "A" and the girl.

(He kisses his fingers and places them on Nicolette in a photo with Kevin.)

---

(He begins to make the potion with a variety of ingredients, including a rose, cocoa powder, strawberries, a romantic film DVD, a smooth jazz CD, and a neck pillow. It cuts from him using a blender to mix everything to using a chemistry set and getting a red solution.)

Fred: (He sings slightly off-key.) ♪ Gettin' my plan in motion / I'm gonna marry Nicolette by the ocean / With my lovey dovey, dovey, dovey potion! ♪

(He holds up the finished vial.)

Fred: It's done. Now to test it.

(The doorbell rings; due to his fear of mailmen, Fred opens the door and sprays the mailman with the potion in panic. The mailmen appears confused, hands Fred the mail, and appears to get chased by dogs as he starts to leave. Fred looks shocked and closes the door.)

Fred: Note: it also attracts wild dogs.

(Fred keeps perfecting the potion. He then sprays it on Bertha while they were watching television. She starts hiccupping.)

Fred: Note: causes uncontrollable hiccups?

(More experimenting. He goes up to an anthill.)

Fred: Hey, little guys, I figure since you're all living together, you might as well be in love.

(Ants begin dying.)

Fred: Note: can also be used as ant spray.

(He plucks rose petals from his neighbor's bushes to fill the bottle.)

Mrs. Haberstan: (She catches Fred picking her roses.) Get away from my roses, young man. (She growls in annoyance.)

Fred: I'm sorry, Mrs. Haberstan. It's just that I—

(He sprays her with the potion.)

Mrs. Haberstan: (She's disgusted.) Kerplunky! What is that awful smell? You—

(She starts to smile.)

Mrs. Haberstan: (She's lovestruck.) Oh, Fred. If I knew you were coming, I would have worn my best housecoat. (She laughs.) Oh, take all the roses that you need.

Fred: It works. (He laughs nervously.)

(He runs back to his house as she starts touching his face.)

---

(It's the day of the science fair, and Fred is putting the finishing touches on the presentation for his project. He notices Nicolette, who has the rubber pencil experiment, and goes up to her.)

Fred: (He tries to flirt.) So, Nicolette, what's your experiment?

Nicolette: What's your experiment?

Fred: It's actually easier if I show you.

Nicolette: (She's confused.) Okay.

Fred: Here goes nothing.

Nicolette: Oop. Dropped my pencil.

(She bends down to pick it up. Fred's eyes are closed as he sprays the potion, not noticing that Kevin is the one who gets hit by it. He opens his eyes as Nicolette stands up again, and tries to lean in for a kiss. She pushes his face away, creeped out.)

Nicolette: What are you doing? Back those lips up, Angelina. Ugh!

(She walks away.)

Fred: Oh, no, it didn't work! What am I gonna do now?

Kevin: (He's seductive.) Hi, Fred.

(He waves flirtatiously.)

Fred: (He's nervous.) What do you want, Kevin?

Kevin: Nothing. I just wanted to say that I love you and your antics and your goofy little voice and…

(Nicolette notices.)

Kevin: I don't know. Do you want to go camping?

Fred: (He's creeped out.) Um, no, Kevin. You're weird. Get away.

Kevin: That's okay, Figgly-Wiggly. I'm gonna write you a poem.

(He boops him on the nose and walks off.)

Fred: (He's confused.) What?

Nicolette: I knew he was a sweetie at heart.

(She goes up to him.)

Nicolette: Hi, Kevin.

Kevin: (He screams.) Don't hurt me!

Nicolette: (She yells loudly.) I'm not gonna hurt you! Silly. I just wanted to say I'm sorry I picked on you. We should be friends.

(She hugs him, Kevin looking very uncomfortable.)

Fred: (He's incredulous.) What? How is that even possible? The love potion I made for Nicolette made her like Kevin? Ugh!

(He tosses the bottle and it lands at his teacher's feet while she was talking with another student.)

Ms. Kovacks: Perfume.

(She sprays it on herself and sees the model skeleton. The student is weirded out.)

Ms. Kovacks: (She's smiling dreamily.) Hello, skelly. Oh, you.

(She begins to kiss it. Meanwhile, Kevin is attempting to serenade Fred with his poem and a small harp. Fred is visibly uncomfortable.)

Kevin: “F” is for the fantastic things you say. “R” is for the way you rock. “E” is for everything that I like about you. And “D” is for…

(The potion starts to wear off.)

Kevin: Well, “D”...

(He realizes what he's doing.)

Kevin: Dude. (He puts the harp down.) Dude. What am I doing? What are you doing to me, dude?

Fred:  I didn't do anything, Kevin. You're the one acting weird.

Kevin: (He's angry.) I don't know what kind of spell you had me under, But it's gonna spell T-R-U-B-L for you!

(He shoves him.)

Fred: Ow!

(Kevin's about to beat him up and Nicolette notices.)

Nicolette: (She's yelling.) Knock it off, Kev-dork!

(She throws him aside.)

Nicolette: And here I thought you had changed!

(Fred notices Kevin's doodles during his spell.)

Fred: (He's in realization.) I must have accidentally sprayed the potion on Kevin. So that means the potion did work. Where did it go?

(As Fred desperately searches for his potion, Bertha gives her presentation monotonously.)

Bertha:  Ants can actually hold ten times the amount of—

(Ms. Kovacks knocks over the display while trying to make out with the skeleton.)

Bertha: (She's panicking.) My rare, poisonous ants!

(The ants scatter around on the floor.)

Ms. Kovacks:  (She comes out of her spell.) Poisonous ants?

Bertha: Poisonous ants.

Ms. Kovacks: (She's confused.) Why am I making out with a skeleton? (She panics.) Oh no!

(Everyone starts to panic about the ants.)

Ms. Kovacks: No one panic!

(People getting on desks, carrying one another, swatting at their legs and arms, screaming.)

Ms. Kovacks: If only someone's science project doubled as ant spray!

Fred: My love potion kills ants. But I only have enough left to use it to make Nicolette fall in love with me. But if I use it on Nicolette and not the ants, everyone in the class is gonna die.

(He shrugs.)

Fred: Whatever. (He starts walking to Nicolette, who's occupied with her pencil trick.)

Bertha: Like, they're poisonous and everything.

Various voices: Help, Fred! Help!

Fred: Out of my way!

(Daydream sequence. He is in an epic, black-and-white battle dressed for war, making his way to the ants in slow-mo. Everyone looks slightly confused.)

Fred: Say goodbye to your little friends.

(He drops a grenade. Daydream ends, and he's spraying the ants with the potion.)

Fred: (He's triumphant.) And the ants are dead!

Ms. Kovacks: Well, that's enough excitement for today. Everyone gets an "A" on their science fair project.

(Everyone cheers. Fred talks to Nicolette.)

Fred: (He flirts.) You know, I could make another batch of this if you want.

(She knocks the bottle out of his hands and smacks the back of his head as she walks off. Fred is upset.)

Nicolette: Don't even think about it.

(Fred groans in disappointment.)