Fred 3: Camp Fred/Transcript

For the final sequel of the Fred movie trilogy, Fred 3: Camp Fred.

Transcript
(It is the last day of school. Fred is snoring in his bedroom, but he quickly wakes up.)

Fred: ♪ Today is my favorite day! / It's the best in every way! / So much more than just okay! / It's a very, very, very, very, very, very / Good day! ♪

(Fred rips off his pajamas to reveal a golden dance outfit underneath. He is then seen brushing his teeth in the bathroom.)

Fred: ♪ Today is my favorite day! / I do hope it's not cliché! / It's exactly as I say! Don't believe me? Then just look / What's written under my toupee! ♪

(He rips open a toupee on his head, revealing the words "I love today" underneath. Fred runs into the kitchen, and two backup dancers join Fred.)

Fred: ♪ Today is my favorite day! / I like it more than a soufflé! / Traffic lights you should obey! / I am really, really running out of words that rhyme / With "day!" ♪

(The backup dancers get into a stance behind Fred as if he's thinking.)

Fred's mom: (off-screen) Fred!

(Fred pushes the backup dancers off the counter behind him.)

Fred's mom: Fred!

Fred: (He chuckles.) Morning, Mom.

(One of the backup dancers hand him a bowl of cereal from underneath.)

Fred's mom: Are you singing?

Fred: No! Singing? Mom, that's crazy talk!

Fred's mom: You know how I feel about opening musical numbers. You don't need some flashy song and dance to get people to like you, Fred. You're better than that.

Fred: I know, Mom!

(Fred's mom checks on him one last time before she leaves.)

Fred: (He's whispering.) ♪ Today I love this day / 'Cause today is / The last day / Of school! ♪

(After the backup dancers reappear, it is revealed that the living room background behind Fred is actually a curtain, and he tears it open to show his classroom. The students inside are throwing paper airplanes around as they celebrate the last day of school.)

Fred and students: ♪ The best day of school / Is the last day of school! / The best day of school / Is the last day of school! ♪

Fred: ♪ Goodbye, geometry! / Goodbye, homeroom! / Goodbye to the stench / Of Miss McGurkin's cheap perfume! ♪

(Miss McGurkin proceeds to spray her perfume, causing Fred to gag and faint. He quickly recovers as the camera cuts to the football team giving a student a wet willy.)

Football team and student: ♪ The best day of school / Is the last day of school! ♪

Football team: ♪ The best day of school / Is the last day of school! ♪

Fred: ♪ No more wet willies, / Spitballs in your hair! / The last day they'll hang you / By your underwear! ♪

(The camera cuts to Fred and many students in the school cafeteria.)

Fred and students: ♪ The best day of school / Is the last day of school! / The best day of school / Is the last day of school! ♪

Fred: ♪ Goodbye, lunch food! / How did we survive? / I won't miss the meatloaf! / Is it alive? ♪

(The meatloaf appears to growl and move a few millimetres. Startled, Fred drops his tray of food, then stomps on it to try to kill it.)

Fred: Be gone, cursed beast! Go back to whatever cruel meatloaf world you came from! (angrily stomps on the meatloaf) Die, Die! DIE!

(Everyone in the cafeteria stares at Fred in confusion.)

Fred: Sorry.

(After Fred apologizes, the next frame is revealed to be another curtain, which Fred and the school's marching band rip open. Now on a football field, Fred, who is also dressed in a marching band outfit and holding a baton, leads the band.)

Fred: All right, everyone, this is our big finish so let's really make it count!

Fred and students: ♪ The best day of school / Is the last day of school! / The best day of school / Is the last day of school! / The best day / Is the last day, / Is the best day / 'Cause it's the last day / Of school! ♪

(Fred is then shown in regular clothes in his normal classroom, implying that all of the previous events were a daydream.)

Fred: (He's vocalizing.) ♪ Yeah, the last day of school / Is the best day of school! ♪

(Everyone turns to stare at Fred in confusion, including Kevin, Fred's arch-nemesis, and Diesel, Kevin's friend.)

Fred: Sorry, I just really like today, so...

(Kevin shoots a spitball at Fred.)

Fred: Kevin!

Kevin: You're such a dorknozzle, Figglehorn!

Diesel: Oh, nice one, Kevin. Your accuracy has really improved.

Miss McGurkin: (off-screen) Okay, class. Back to work.

(The cutscene reveals the movie name and a campsite sketch underneath.)

(After the school bell rings, Fred and Bertha, his friend, walk home together and discuss their summer plans.)

Bertha: Yeah, I don't know. I'll probably spend my summer just listening to music, catch up on some movies, relax, you know?

Fred: Yeah, that's cool.

(Before Fred could daze off, Bertha shoves him.)

Fred: Ow! Bertha, what was that for?

Bertha: Fred, you're thinking about that stupid summer camp again, aren't you?

Fred: I was thinking about Camp Superior, but, I mean, it's pretty much the best summer camp in the entire galaxy. See?

(Fred holds up a pamphlet of Camp Superior, which depicts it as luxurious.)

Bertha: Well, camp's just really not my thing. I'm allergic to Kumbaya.

Fred: But, Bertha, it's got water slides, two waffle bars, traditional and Belgium, jet skis, a stable of Clydesdale horses, monkey butlers...

Bertha: (She's confused.) Monkey butlers?

Fred: Okay, so that's not in here, but, I mean, I'm pretty sure they have it, right?

Bertha: Ugh, well, things aren't gonna be the same around here without you, Figglehorn.

(Fred is about to daze off again, but Bertha shoves him just in time.)

Bertha: Fred, you're thinking about that stupid summer camp!

Fred: No, I wasn't. That time I was thinking about how cool it'd be to have a monkey butler. So what were you saying, Bertha?

(Fred leaves when he sees his home, while Bertha still stands in disgust.)

(Fred is sorting through his house to pack up for camp, while facing the camera.)

Fred: I'll need this, this, and I'll definitely need this. This is so incredible! Can you believe I'm actually going to Camp Superior?

(Fred shoves more items down his suitcase.)

Fred: Did you know it was named the top summer camp in the entire country, by Summer Camp Magazine?

(Fred heaves more items down his suitcase.)

Fred: And done. All right, now that I've packed the essentials, I should probably put some clothes in there, too. Perfect.

(Fred unsuccessfully tries to zip up his suitcase due to the numerous items inside of it.)

Fred: Go down! (He grunts.) Gammit!

(Fred finally lugs his suitcase downstairs, where his mom was waiting for him.)

Fred: Whew!

Fred's mom: Oh, I'm really gonna miss you, Freddy, so on and so forth.

Fred: Thanks, Mom. I'll miss you, too.

Fred's mom You all packed up and ready to go? 'Cause that Camp Iwannapeepee bus is gonna be here in any minute.

Fred: (He's confused.) The what bus should be pulling up?

Fred's mom: The Camp Iwannapeepee bus.

Fred: (He's still confused.) No, Mom. It's called Camp Superior. Not "Iwannapeepee." Who would name their camp that? It's the stupidest name ever.

Fred's mom: I looked into that Camp Superior place, but it was way too expensive. So I instead signed you up for Camp Iwannapeepee. I mean, what's the difference? Camp is camp, right?

(Fred falls into a state of shock.)

Fred's mom: Fred, are you okay?

(Fred faints. A daydream sequence occurs where paramedics are trying to shock Fred and wake him up.)

Paramedic: Clear! Gammit! We lost him.

(Fred's mom is terrified at Fred's death. Fred, as a ghost, appears beside her.)

Fred: See what happens, Mother? See what happens when you send me to the wrong summer camp? Now I'm a ghost.

(Daydream sequence ends. Fred rants about his situation.)

Fred: This is so unfair! This is gonna be the worst summer ever! (He screams.) This is horrible!

Fred's mom: Oh, come on, Fred. You're overreacting. I'm sure it won't be that bad.

Fred: It's called Camp Iwannapeepee, Mom. How good could it possibly be?

Fred's mom: Fred, do you know what sweetbreads are?

Fred: No, but they sound delicious.

Fred's mom: Sweetbreads are stomach and pancreas meat.

Fred: (He's disgusted.) Ew! Gross!

Fred's mom: And that is just my point. You can't always judge something by its name.

(A worn-down bus, breaking a few vehicular parts, arrives at Fred's house.)

Fred's mom: Or maybe I'm wrong.

Fred: (He's horrified.) Oh, my gammit!

Fred's mom: Fred, you can do this. You can handle any curveball life throws you. Because you are Fred Figglehorn, gammit.

(A man in a cropped Iwannapeepee shirt leaps outside of the bus.)

Cropped shirt man: Whoo!

Fred: Yeah, you're right. I can do this. I mean, I'm not gonna let some stupid summer camp bring me down. Because I'm Fred Figglehorn, gammit!

Cropped shirt man: Sorry I am late. Took a couple wrong turns. Almost ended up driving this bus of kids into a ravine.

(Upon hearing this, Fred and his mom react in horror. The campers on this bus, however, reassure them by giving them a thumbs up.)

Cropped shirt man: But they're troupers! That was not good. Not good at all. Anyhoo, I'm looking for a "Ted Twinklecorn."

Fred's mom: That's Fred Figglehorn to you, mister. And he's right here.

(She turns around, only to find that Fred has gone missing.)

Fred's mom: Fred? Fred!

(Fred fails to fight his way out of both adults' grasps and out of the bus.)

Fred: (He's screaming and crying.) I don't wanna go! No! No! No, Mom! I changed my mind! No! No! No!

(As Fred sobs inside of the bus, his mom looks at him encouragingly.)

Fred's mom: You can do this, Fred!

Fred: Mom!

Fred's mom: I believe in you!

Fred: Mom, help! Mom! No!

Fred's mom: Don't forget to write!

(After the bus takes off, leaving Fred's mom to cough against the bus smoke, Fred continues to scream until he looks at the throng of exhausted and confused campers on the bus.)

Fred: Hey, you guys. I'm Fred Figglehorn. I'm just gonna apologize in advance for what I'm about to do.

(Everyone on the bus winces in pain as Fred proceeds to scream for the entire duration of the ride to Camp Iwannapeepee.)

Fred: (to a camper.) Hey, what's up?

(Fred continues screaming. Eventually, the bus arrives in from of the camp gate.)

(After the campers hurriedly exit the bus, a burly man arrives to greet them.)

Burly man: Howdy, campers! My name is Floyd Spunkmeyer and I'm the director of Camp Iwannapeepee. Some people call me Floyd. Or Big Floyd. Or Doctor Spunkinstein. You can call me anything you want. Seriously, we don't have s'mores here because I am deathly allergic to marshmallows. Instead, we have hot dogs. But who eats hot dogs at this summer camp? Am I right? That dude knows what I'm talkin' about.

(Floyd Spunkmeyer point at a tall camper in the background.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Did you know that "Iwannapeepee" is an old Cherokee Indian term that means "blessed ray of sunshine"? So let me be the first to give you all the official camp greeting. Iwannapeepee on you. Iwannapeepee on you. Iwannapeepee on all of you. (He's noticing Fred's hand raised.) Question?

Fred: I was just wondering if you have any water slides here?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Uh, no, we don't have any water slides. No water slides. Anybody else? (He notices Fred's hand raised up again.) Okay…

Fred: Do you have any Clydesdale horses?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: We don't have Clydesdales either, but we do have a horse. His name is Francis, and he only has three legs.

(The camera cuts to Francis grazing on what meager grass he has on the ground and neighing.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: But we love him as though he had five.

Fred: (He's raising his hand.) Do you have monkey butlers?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: (He's slightly weirded out at Fred's question.) All right, everybody, you've been on a long bus trip. Let's get some grub and then figure out some bunk assignments, okay? Come on. We're at camp!

(Fred sulks as he follows the campers.)

(All the campers enter the Iwannapeepee mess hall. Fred recognizes the same cropped shirt man who drove Fred to camp cooking the food.)

Fred: (He's shocked.) You're the cook, too?

Cropped shirt man: You're dang tooting. I'm also the counselor, trail guide, lifeguard, and on Tuesdays and Thursdays I teach a needlepoint class.

(The man pulls out a needlepoint project of him needlepointing another project.)

Cropped shirt man: See? It's a needlepoint of me needlepointing. (He throws project aside.)

Fred: Nice.

Cropped shirt man: Yeah. It's pretty great. I'm kind of awesome at everything I do.

(The man then scoops a giant spoonful of green slop onto Fred's plate. Fred recoils in disgust.)

Fred: Gross. What is this stuff?

Cropped shirt man: good, old-fashioned American gruel.

(Fred moves on to the next station, where he sees dispensers with "bug juice" labels on them. A kid with glasses approach Fred about to use the dispensers.)

Kid with glasses: oh. uh, Trust me. You don't want to drink that.

Fred: Why?

Kid with glasses: Let's just say it's called "bug juice" for a reason.

Fred: Okay.

Kid with glasses: Name's William, but everyone around here just calls me Magoo.

Fred: Hey. I'm Fred.

Magoo: Nice to meet you, Fred. Welcome to Camp Iwannapeepee. Worst summer camp on Earth. You can sit with us.

(Fred follows Magoo to a table with three other people.)

Magoo: This way. (to the three people.) Hey, guys. This is Fred. He's new to camp, so go easy on him, okay?

Fred: Hello.

Magoo: Oh, that's Chatter. Don't mind him. He never talks. That one over there is Spoon. She's always eating. And I mean always.

Spoon: Hola.

Magoo: Last but not least, there's Dig.

Dig: 'Sup.

Fred: Why do they call you Dig?

Dig: 'Cause I dig holes.

Fred: I guess that makes sense.

Magoo: I'm not sure if you've picked a bunkhouse yet, but if not, you can bunk with us. We're in cabin thirteen and we have a...

Dig: (He gets distracted.) Shh. Wait, guys. Here she comes. Quiet.

Fred: Here who comes?

Magoo: (He's staring dreamily.) Oksana.

(A beautiful, blonde woman wearing nurse gear and a camping outfit walks and sits at the counselor's table while the boys stare lovingly at her.)

Nurse Oksana: Hello, kids.

Fred: Who's she?

Dig: The camp nurse. And she's terrible at it. But nobody seems to mind.

Magoo: She gets hotter every year.

Fred: (He snaps out of his love sequence.) Wait. "Every year"? You guys have been here before?

Magoo: Yeah, it's mine and Chatter's third year. But Dig and Spoon have been here for four.

Fred: Four years at this dump? How can you stand it? This place is horrible.

Magoo: It's not that bad. It's not perfect. It starts to kind of grow on you after a while.

Fred: Yeah, I'm sure it does. Grows on you like a bad fungus.

(Chatter burps, which sends the table laughing.)

Magoo: Ha ha ha ha! Boom!

Dig: (to Fred.) If you like that, you should hear him fart the alphabet.

Fred: Wow, his mother must be so proud.

Spoon: Who do you think taught him?

(Most of the table, except Fred, laugh.)

Fred: Ew!

(Chatter farts.)

(Fred is seen standing at the counselor's office, staring at an empty trophy case.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: I see you're admiring the new trophy case I just had installed.

(Fred notices a giant lump protruding on Floyd Spunkmeyer's forehead.)

Fred: (He's horrified.) Mr. Spunkmeyer? What happened to your face?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Oh, it's just a mosquito bite. You should see when I get a bee sting. My head swells up like a pinata. Oksana has to suck out the excess pus with a turkey baster.

Fred: Gross.

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Yeah, man. It really is. [exhales]

Fred: So, where are all your trophies, anyway? They being cleaned or something?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Yeah, we don't have any trophies. You see, Fred, every summer we compete against Camp Superior in a grueling three-day competition called the Summer Camp Games. And, wouldn't you know it, every year Camp Superior has taken home the trophy.

Fred: How long have these games been going on?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Sixty-nine years.

Fred: (He's surprised.) Sixty-nine years?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: (He gestures at the photos of Iwannapeepee's founders.) Four generations of Spunkmeyers have tried to bring home that trophy, with no luck. But my grandfather had a prophecy that one day, a very special boy would come to this camp and lead us to victory. And, Fred, I believe with all my heart that special young boy is you.

Fred: (He taken aback.) Me? Really? Wow!

Floyd Spunkmeyer: No, not "you." I said "Hugh." As in Hugh Thompson over there!

(Floyd Spunkmeyer gestures towards a buff teenager repeatedly lifting a kid in the air.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Look at him! He's amazing! I had this T-shirt printed up to show my support. Hugh can do it!

Hugh: You got it, Floyd!

Floyd Spunkmeyer: We're counting' on you, buddy!

(An exhausted and exasperated Fred tries lugging his suitcase and finding cabin thirteen with no luck.)

Fred: Where the heck is cabin thirteen?

(While lugging his suitcase, Fred hears some rustling in the woods.)

Fred: Hello? ls somebody there?

(An old man pops out of the bushes, slightly camouflaged in the dark.)

Old man: Come here, boy. I got somethin' for you.

(Fred screams and runs away from the woods, while the old man fully pops out of the bushes.)

Old man: (He's slightly exasperated.) It's a map of the campgrounds.

(Fred runs to cabin thirteen and bumps into the the cropped shirt man, who then tries to perform self-defence moves and yelps.)

Cropped shirt man: Whoa, there, Fred. Where's the fire? Seriously, cabin five is not on fire again, is it?

Fred: (He's desperate.) Please, Murray, you have to help me. There's some crazy old guy trying to get me!

Murray: Don't worry about it. That's just Scary Gary, the maintenance man. He's harmless. Pretty much.

Fred: "Scary Gary?" If he's so harmless, then maybe he should have a less menacing name, like Scary Barry or Scary Larry or...Joey. Anyway, do you know how to...

Murray: Way ahead of you, buddy. And the answer to your first question is yes! I am dating Oksana, the foxy nurse right there.

(Murray glances at Nurse Oksana talking to other female campers.)

Fred: Good for you, Murray.

Murray: And when I say "dating," I mean I haven't actually "talked" to her yet.

Fred: Wow, and people say I'm delusional.

Murray: What's that?

Fred: Nothing. Um, do you know how to get to cabin thirteen?

Murray: It's right here.

(Murray gestures to the front of the cabin, which is a door wand a sign reading "13" nailed to the door.)

Fred: Well, it looks nice.

Murray: Yeah, she's a beaut.

(Fred chuckles nervously as Murray accidentally tears the rickety door off the hinges and leads Fred inside. Murray searches for a stable bunk.)

Murray: Here you go. Best bunk in the cabin.

(Murray places Fred's suitcase on a top bunk, only for it to collapse and land on the bottom bunk. Fred yelps.)

Murray: I was wrong. (He gestures to another top bunk and tests its stability.) Yeah, definitely this one.

Fred: So, Murray, where's the bathroom in this place?

(After a walk through the woods, Fred and Murray reach what appears to be a rickety outhouse. Fred notices how old the wood making the outhouse is. Murray smells the odor of the outhouse deeply.)

Murray: Here she is. Word of advice. If you have to use it at night, bring a buddy. Couple years ago, one of the campers had a little accident. And by "accident," I mean he fell in.

Fred: (He's disgusted.) Ew!

Murray: By "one of the campers," I mean it was me. Worst five hours of my life.

(Murray tosses Fred a roll of toilet paper before stepping inside the outhouse.)

Murray: Excuse me for a second.

(Murray uses the bathroom, disgusting Fred.)

(Back in Fred's cabin, Fred rants about the state of Iwannapeepee in front of the camera. As he does this, he angrily unpacks his suitcase.)

Fred: Ohh, I hate this place! So much! I hate it more than gym class! I hate it more than eating Brussels sprouts! I hate it more than eating Brussels sprouts in gym class! Which I had to do once for reasons that I'm not gonna get into right now. Mark my words. I will escape from this demented place. I don't care if I have to tunnel my way out of here. I sounded pretty cool, there didn't I? Yeah, I can be a pretty bad dude when I wanna be.

(That night, Fred devises a plan to dig a hole outside of Iwannapeepee while everyone is sleeping.)

Fred: (He's whispering.) All right. Time to tunnel my way out of here.

(Fred manages to dig a tunnel outside of his cabin, poking out of his hole on the other side.)

Fred: All right, you did it, Fred!

(A light and several lasers shine on Fred and sirens start to wail outside.)

Fred: Gammit!

(Fred tries to run, but trips and is apprehended by several armed people, including Murray.)

Fred: Aw, nuts! (He recognizes Murray.) Murray?

Murray: Trying to leave so soon, Fred?

Fred: What? No.I was just going for a midnight jog.

Murray: You know what we do to kids who try to escape from Camp Iwannapeepee?

Fred: Tell them not to do it again, followed by some light tickling?

(Murray shakes his head. The camera cuts to the next day, where the campers are served gruel.)

Murray: Get it while it's hot, kids. Today's gruel has a very special ingredient.

(As Spoon receives her food, she notices something gross in her food. She takes it out, which turns out to be a human finger.)

Spoon: Gross. Murray, did you cut up Fred and put him in the gruel?

(Murray slyly nods and points to the gruel, which includes Fred's frightened head as a decoration.)

(The night and food sequences are revealed to be nightmares, as Fred (in his bedroom, and now with his normal voice) yelps.)

Fred: Oh, Mom, I had the most horrible nightmare. I dreamt you sent me to the worst summer camp ever, and also, I had this weird, sped-up chipmunk voice that got really annoying after a while.

Fred's mom: (with a British accent.) Relax, Fred. You're at home now. (combined with a man's voice) It was all a bad dream.

(As Fred observes his mom closer, he realizes Scary Gary was actually disguised as his mom, causing both of them to scream in horror.)

(All of the previous events from the night turn out to be a nightmare inside of a nightmare, as Fred (in his regular voice now) awakens and screams, waking up everyone in his cabin.)

Fred: No, Scary Gary! You are not my mom!

(Fred pants as he finds out he accidentally woke up and startled his cabin mates and Murray.)

Fred: So, how did everyone sleep?

(A harmonica plays through the camp's loudspeaker, indicating an announcement from Floyd Spunkmeyer.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Howdy, kids, and welcome to the soothing sounds of Floyd Radio, whether you like it or not. First, let's start off the day with some announcements.

(During this time, Dig is shown digging out a hole.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: It's another beautiful day here at Camp Iwannapeepee. The birds are shining and the sun is chirping. It's also the perfect day to take a nice morning swim in the lake. Of course, if you're thinking about going for a swim this morning, don't.

(Just as Floyd Spunkmeyer says this, a boy in his bathing suit jumps in the lake with a floatie.)

Swimsuit kid: Huh?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: We're still cleaning up from that chemical spill.

(The swimsuit kid exits the late, spitting out green water and covered in said water.)

Swimsuit kid: Seriously?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Yes, seriously, Lawrence. That lake is no place for children.

Lawrence: (He sighs.) You think?

(Fred walks outside, ranting in front of the camera.)

Fred: This place is a nightmare! The food is terrible! I'm gonna have to hold my you-know-what for six whole weeks! Man, I could really use one of my dad's inspirational speeches right now.

(A refrigerator nearly rustles and opens up to reveal Fred's dad, a buff man, open it from inside.)

Fred: Dad!

Fred's dad: Hey! There you are. Aw! You've no idea how many refrigerators I had to go through to get you! Like three, at least.

Fred: Well, I'm glad you found me, Dad. I could really use some cheering up.

Fred's dad: That's what I'm here for, son. Life throws you a problem, you just gotta put it in a headlock and hold on...

(Fred's dad pulls his son in for a very tight headlock, until he notices Francis, the three-legged horse, sanding there and neighing.)

Fred's dad: Take that problem and you just gotta...

(Fred's dad throws Fred onto a garbage bag.)

Fred's dad: ...body slam that problem until you...

(Fred's dad notices an ill Lawrence feeling the side effects of the chemical-filled lake.)

Fred's dad: You see, Fred, it's like this. The key to your problem is you just gotta, you...

(Fred's dad lifts Fred up high until he notices Scary Gary taking a bath in an oil drum, waving at him. Disgusted, Fred's dad lets go of his son, but he lands onto the same dusty garbage bag, making him cough. Fred's dad also notices the dirty outhouse.)

Fred's dad: This place is gross, Fred.

Fred: I can get through it, right?

Fred's dad: (He's shaking head.) You got problems with a girl, I'm there for you, son. You think your music teacher's a vampire, I got no problem body slamming him. This place? You're on your own.

Fred: You're not gonna give me any advice?

Fred's dad: Actually, I am. Be cool, stay in school. Knowing is half the battle. Got milk?

Fred: (He's disappointed.) That's the best you've got?

Fred's dad: Yeah, uh...Good luck. Because in this place, you're gonna need it.

(Fred's dad closes the refrigerator he's in, but Fred desperately re-opens it. As Fred yells at him, he disappears.)

Fred's dad: You can't see me!

Fred: Thanks a lot, Dad. You've been a great help. And in case you can't tell, I'm being sarcastic!

(Fred slams the refrigerator closed.)

Fred: (to the camera.) What am I gonna do? My dad can't even help me. Bertha's not here. And my poor mom. I didn't even think about her. She's probably worried sick about me.

(Back at Fred's house, Fred's mom is relaxing as if in a vacation. Beside her is a pizza guy massaging her, and the pizza she had ordered.)

Pizza delivery guy: Are you ever gonna pay for your pizza, ma'am? Because I really should get back to work.

Fred's mom: Oh, just give me five more minutes, Randy. And then we'll see. Oh, Randy, Randy.

(Meanwhile, Fred's cabin mates are walking in he woods.)

Magoo: Hey, guys, I think someone saw us last night. We have really got to be more careful, okay? God, if someone saw us and found out about the Rat Hole, we would be so busted.

Spoon: I know.

(The group suddenly hears Fred sobbing in the distance.)

Fred: (off-screen, while crying.) Why?

Dig: Sounds like crying.

Spoon: Or a little girl laughing?

(The group finds Fred sitting and crying in the bushes.)

Magoo: Fred? Is that you?

Fred: (He stops crying.) Oh, yeah. One second. Give me one second.

(Fred wipes his tears with some dark leaves.)

Fred: Hey, guys.

Magoo: Hey, were you just crying?

Fred: No. No, why would I be crying? I wasn't crying. I hate crying. Anyways, what were you guys doing? I heard you talking about a rat hole or something.

Magoo: (He's surprised.) Rat hole? No. We don't even know what that is.

(The group shrugs.)

Magoo: I hate rats.

Spoon: Yeah.

Fred: (He's hesitant to believe them.) Okay.

Magoo: Yeah. It is okay.

Fred: Good.

Magoo: So good. So, we'll see you around?

Fred: Peace out.

(As the group leaves, Spoon turns back to Fred.)

Spoon: Oh, and be careful. Not sure if you saw it, but that's poison ivy right there.

Fred: Poison ivy?

(Fred turns and sees a "Warning" sign about poison ivy.)

Spoon: (She's questioningly) Yeah. You didn't touch it, did you?

Fred: I think I know what poison ivy looks like. I'm not an idiot.

(Fred suddenly recalls he moment when he tried wiping his tears. He then realizes that he had wiped them off with poison ivy.)

(Fred is in the camp infirmary, his face covered in poison ivy rash.)

Fred: Oh, the pain, the pain! Who would have known something called poison ivy would hurt this much?

(Nurse Oksana looks past the poison ivy medication and instead hands Fred a bottle of toothpaste.)

Nurse Oksana: You take this, no?

Fred: What? This is toothpaste. It won't help my rash at all. I need something like aloe.

Nurse Oksana: (She's struggling through the language barrier.) Hello?

Fred: Aloe. Not hello. Aloe.

Nurse Oksana: Hello! We met many times. You use paste for tooth, okay?

(Fred suddenly remembers Nurse Oksana's beauty and once again becomes infatuated with her.)

Fred: Okay, Oksana. Thanks.

(Nurse Oksana turns to find Floyd Spunkmeyer and a sick kid with him.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: All righty. Got another sick one for you, Oksana. This kid says it feels like his brain is turning into Swiss cheese. [pretends to bite the kid's head] Yum!

Nurse Oksana: (off-screen.) All right, come on.

Floyd Spunkmeyer: You know, I think there's something going around camp. Somethin' really bad.

(As Floyd Spunkmeyer leaves, Fred tries to comprehend what he just witnessed.)

Fred: (He's quiet.) What?

(The camera pans to a snake hazard sign.)

(It's nighttime. All the campers and counselors are gathered around a campfire for one of Floyd Spunkmeyer's ghost stories.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Suddenly, the woman screamed. And she looked down, and in her hand were all that remained of her crumpled receipt. The store had overcharged her for the plunger.

(As a wolf howls in the distance, Floyd Spunkmeyer purposely yelps to scare the Iwannapeepee campers.)

Fred: Geez! Even the scary stories here are horrible.

Scary Gary: So it's a scary story we're lookin' for? I've got one that'll scare the pants off ya. It happened 25 years ago...Tonight. In these very woods.

(The story morphs so that Fred is the main character of Scary Gary's story. In his story, it is daytime. Fred has trouble finding Iwannapeepee with just his map.)

Fred: Ugh! According to this map, the camp should be right here. This is hopeless! Whatever will I do?

(Fred senses something rustling through the woods.)

Fred: Hello? Answer me at once, strange fellow.

Scary Gary: (He's narrating off-screen.) That creature in the woods was the most horrible thing known to mankind...The "Crocobearamoose."

Fred: Wait, the what?

Scary Gary: (He's narrating off-screen.) Crocobearamoose. He had the head of a crocodile, the body of a bear, and antlers of a moose. He was actually a very ferocious creature.

Fred: Okay, but Crocobearamoose? That has to be the stupidest name I've ever heard in my entire life. It's not scary at all.

(As Fred finishes speaking, a creature matching the exact description Scary Gary used for the Crocobearamoose sneaks up behind Fred, growling.)

Fred: (He's nervous.) He's standing right behind me, isn't he?

(The camera and the Crocobearamoose nods. Fred turns to face it.)

Fred: (He's nervous.) ...hi?

(The Crocobearamoose roars on Fred, covering him in slobber.)

Fred: Ew, Crocky, what did you last eat? Your breath reeks, okay?

(A disgusted Fred uses his breath spray to clean the Crocobearamoose's breath.)

Fred: There. That's better.

(Angry, the Crocobearamoose beheads Fred using its jaws, causing Fred's headless body to run and his head to scream.)

Fred: (He's freaked out.) Where's my head? What's going on? Where am I going? Where am I?

(Fred runs directly into a long tree stump.)

Fred: Ugh! That hurt! Where's my head? Where's my head?

(The story morphs back to normal, at present-day Iwannapeepee and the campfire.)

Scary Gary: Some people say if you listen really closely late at night, you can still faintly hear the sounds of old Crocobearamoose still chowin' down on that little boy's head.

Fred: (He's disbelieving.) Crocobearamoose? There's no such thing. Right?

(The campers worriedly stare as the Crocobearamoose, once again, sneaks up behind Fred - and this time, the other campers.)

Fred: (He's nervous.) He's right behind me, isn't he?

(Everyone turns to the Crocobearamoose as it screams, causing everyone (albeit Fred) to scream and run away from it. Meanwhile, Fred grabs a log nearly to beat the Crocobearamoose up. Every hit Fred takes while grunting at the Crocobearamoose has the creature yelp in pain.)

Scary Gary: Fred, no! No! No! No, Fred! It's Murray! It's Murray in a costume! It's Murray in a costume!

(Upon recognizing Murray (who has taken off his Crocobearamoose costume), Fred blindly hits Murray until hit drops to the ground. Fred is then filled with remorse and stops hitting him.)

Fred: Oh, man, Murray! I thought you were the Crocobearamoose. I'm so sorry.

Murray: Honest mistake, Fred. Seriously. This stuff happens to me a lot.

(Murray is treated in the camp infirmary.)

Fred: Again, Murray, I'm really sorry for beating you senseless with a log.

Murray: Oh, not a problem there, Fred. I'm sure I'll start to feel my legs again real soon.

Fred: Okay.

(As Nurse Oksana hands a tube of toothpaste to Murray, Fred leaves the infirmary. He sees his cabin mates and Scary Gary drag a duffel bag of something to Dig's hole. Fred hides before the group could spot him.)

Fred: There's something really fishy going on around this camp, and I don't like it one bit.

(Daytime rolls around. Fred writes a letter to his mom like she told him to do earlier.)

Fred: "Dear Mom, I hate it here at Camp Iwannapeepee. I hate it, hate it, hate it, hate it. Hate it. These last two weeks have been the worst of my life. Every day I've tried desperately to escape this cursed place, but I'm met with failure at every turn.

(A cut scene where Fred gets caught red-handed for trying to escape with a bush appears.)

Fred: "Meanwhile, the other campers continue to act strange around me. I keep hearing them whisper about some place called the Rathole.

(A cut scene where Fred's cabin mates diligently eats and stops their conversation when Fred arrives appears.)

Fred: "And every day, more and more kids are getting sick from some mysterious illness.

(A cut scene where a line of sick campers campers wait for Nurse Oksana appears. Nurse Oksana gives one camper a tube of toothpaste.)

Nurse Oksana: Twice a day. Okay?

(The line of campers moan in discomfort. Fred continues writing his letter.)

Fred: "I even witnessed the staff putting weird blue pills in the food.

(A cut scene where Floyd Spunkmeyer and Murray mix dark blue pills in the gruel is shown. Floyd Spunkmeyer is concerned about how strong the pills would taste in the gruel.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Now, are you sure the kids won't be able to taste this?

Murray: Oh, I'm positive. These are completely odorless and tasteless.

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Good.

Murray: (faded off-screen.) Here. Why don't you try it out?

(As Fred writes the letter, the scene changes to Fred hiding out in secret places and witnessing Iwannapeepee's behavior.)

Fred: "I've stumbled across something very dangerous and I'm...

(Fred accidentally catches his hand in a mousetrap.)

Fred: "Gammit, that hurts! Stupid mousetrap, look what you made me write.

(Fred erases the last few words from his letter.)

Fred: "P.S. To avoid this from landing in the wrong hands, I'll be sending this letter via bird." (He tries to catch a nearly bird.) Here, bird! Bird!

(Fred unsuccessfully tries catching a bird, but it keeps flying away from him.)

Fred: "P.P.S. Catching a bird is way harder than I thought it'd be. So I'm just gonna send it via sling-shotted mouse instead.

(Fred launches a mouse with his letter attached to it off and away.)

Fred: "I hope it finds you well."

(Fred ties his shoes in his cabin when his cabin mates meet with Fred inside.)

Magoo: Hey, Fred. You coming to the Mess Hall for some good old-fashioned gruel?

Fred: Oh, no, you guys go on ahead. I'll catch up with you later.

Magoo: Coolio. All right, come on, guys.

(After Fred's cabin mates leave, Fred faces the camera.)

Fred: Yeah, like I'm gonna eat that stuff after I found out what they put in it. It's time to get to the bottom of whatever sick, twisted plot is going on around this camp. Time to put on my thinkin' mustache.

(Fred puts on his thinking mustache, a brown, thick clump of a mustache.)

Fred: All right, Mustache, time to get to thinkin'.

(Fred tries to think of a theory with no luck.)

Fred: Oh, this is hopeless! I can't think when I'm hungry. What I wouldn't give for some cheese fries right now. Mmm, cheese. I love all types of cheeses. Cheddar, mozzarella, Swiss. (He's realizing.) Wait a minute. What did Floyd say about that sick kid in the infirmary the other day?

(Fred has a flashback to when Floyd Spunkmeyer brought a sick kid into the infirmary while Fred has poison ivy.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: This guy says it feels like his brain is turnin' into Swiss cheese. (He pretends to bite the kid's brain.)

Fred: That his brain was turning into Swiss cheese. And what eats cheese? Rats. And where do rats live? Rat holes. Brain. Swiss cheese. Rat holes. Brain. Swiss cheese. Rat holes. Wait a minute. That's it!

(Fred rips off his mustache, which pains his upper lip a lot. Fred screams at the pain.)

Fred: The pain! (He's normal.) All right, now stay with me because I'm only gonna go through this once.

(As Fred speaks, the cutscenes where Fred was writing his letter to his mom replay themselves, except they freeze when Fred points out his theory. Floyd Spunkmeyer and Murray are dumping the blue pills in the gruel for the next meal.)

Fred: So, it all starts when Floyd and Murray put the strange blue pills in the gruel.

(In the next cutscene, the kid whom Fred met in the infirmary is shown eating the gruel.)

Fred: They serve the gruel to the unsuspecting campers.

(The kid is then shown feeling ill in his head, with Nurse Oksana trying to help him.)

Fred: The pills make you sicker and sicker as they slowly turn your brain into Swiss cheese.

(The kid lies down on the infirmary bed, as Fred shows an X-Ray of the kid's brain turning into a block of Swiss cheese.)

Fred: Magoo, Chatter, Spoon and Dig, who are obviously moles working for the camp, take the body away.

(A cut scene where Fred's cabin mates are carrying a duffel bag into the woods is shown.)

Fred: Then they take it to...The Rat Hole.

(Fred's cabin mates reach Dig's hole and carry the bag inside.)

Fred: That's when it's feeding time for Floyd Spunkmeyer. Because, you see, our innocent head counselor isn't so innocent after all. He's not even human.

(Floyd Spunkmeyer approaches the bag and removes his human face to reveal a rat head inside of it.)

Fred: He's a giant mutant rat creature.

(Floyd Spunkmeyer leans in to grab the bag, open it up to find the sick kid from earlier, and finds his head.)

Fred: Oh, gammit! I'm in way over my head here. Hopefully my mom has read my letter by now and called the cops.

(As Fred snaps out of the cutscenes, at Fred's house, Fred's mom and Randy the pizza delivery guy as seen lounging as if in a vacation.)

Fred's mom: ¡Me gusta la playa, señor!

Randy: ¡Sí!

(As both of them laugh, the camera pans to a mouse eating leftover pizza, with Fred's letter still attached to it.)

(Fred is outside, trying to search for food besides the gruel, ranting at the camera.)

Fred: Oh, I'm going to starve to death! I need food! I haven't eaten anything in like... (he glances at watch.) Two hours! Maybe the woods will provide me with proper nourishment.

(Fred finds and tries to eat grass, but spits it out.)

Fred: Gross!

(Next, Fred pulls of a piece of tree bark and tries eating that, only to spit that out, too.)

Fred: Better, but it still is not very good!

(After throwing the bark away, Fred spots some delectable (to the eyes) red berries on a bush.)

Fred: Hello! What have we got here? These berries look delicious. (hesitant) Oh, wait, what if they're the poisonous kind? I'll just eat a bunch of these berries, and if I don't end up getting really sick, then I'll know they're safe to eat, right? You are so smart!

(Fred pops a berry in his mouth. When he feels fine, he pops a few more, but later he starts to hallucinate.)

Fred: (He moans.) I don't feel so good. Woah, what is happening to me? Woah!

(A Crocobearamoose suddenly walks out to Fred.)

Crocobearamoose: Hey there, Fred.

Fred: (He's in shock.) Crocobearamoose? Is that really you or are the berries making me hallucinate?

Crocobearamoose: Of course it's really me. I heard you weren't feeling very good so I came to cheer you up.

Fred: You did?

Crocobearamoose: Yeah. Do you know what I do when I'm not feeling very good?

Fred: (He notices something.) What's that?

Crocobearamoose: I rap. Do you wanna rap with me?

Fred: Sure!

(The hallucination transforms into a daydream sequence, where Fred and the Crocobearamoose are blinged out in rapping gear and in a room with spotlights and a stage.)

Fred: My name is Fred! I'm sick in the head! Mess with me and you're gonna see red! F to the R to the E to the D! When you meet me, I think you're gonna pee your pants, that's it! I'm legit! Yeah, see, I'm Fred Figglehorn, gammit!

Crocobearamoose: Yeah, we rule! Yeah, we cool !Open up your mouth and I'll feed you gruel! I abuse, we gonna make a truce! Found poison berries and you drank bug juice! We tight, not loose! Ima cook your goose! Stick with me, I'm the Crocobearamoose! Peace!

Fred: (He's exhausted.) Yo, yo, yo, I'm not feelin' too good! I think I'm gonna...

(Fred is seen vomiting the berries out, in front of his cabin mates and a few other campers. Lawrence approaches the berry bush.)

Lawrence: Red berries!

(Fred is lying down in the infirmary. Murray and Fred's cabin mates watch Fred.)

Nurse Oksana: He's fine. He just ate no-no berries, which are bad. Okay?

Murray: Oksana, if you're not doing anything later, maybe...You could possibly, like, maybe...

Nurse Oksana: (She's misinterpreting.) Lick a possum baby?

Murray: No, not "lick a possum baby." Go on a date with me?

Nurse Oksana: (She's misinterpreting again.) No goat meat. Only toothpaste. Okay?

(As Nurse Oksana leaves, the infirmary door breaks off its hinges.)

Magoo: (to his friends.) Guys, I don't really think Fred has been adapting to camp life very well.

(Fred moans while still sick from the berries.)

Magoo: Tonight, after everyone goes to sleep, let's show Fredwhat Camp Iwannapeepee is all about. Let's take Fred to the Rat Hole.

(Fred winces upon hearing the words "the Rat Hole.")

(Later that night, Fred's cabin mates wake up and try to yank Fred out of bed.)

Fred: (He's whimpering.) No, please, please don't kill me! I'm too young and attractive...

(Chatter silences Fred when Chatter places a hand on Fred's mouth. The group then carry Fred into the woods, occasionally preventing him from speaking.)

Fred: (He's crying.) Where are you guys taking me?

Magoo: Shh!

Fred: (He's crying.) This isn't right!

(Magoo opens up Dig's hole and the group prepares to carry Fred inside.)

Fred: I'm not going in there!

(Fred tries running, but is quickly apprehended.)

Magoo: (He's direct.) No. No. No.

(Fred is brought into the Rat Hole ad finally finds the opportunity to scream.)

Fred: (He's yelling.) Please, I beg of you! Don't turn my brain into Swiss cheese and feed me to Floyd, the rat creature!

Spoon: (She's confused.) Floyd the rat creature? Fred, what the heck are you talking about?

Magoo: Dig, hit the lights.

(Dig flicks on the lights, revealing several decorations, food, and neon lights displayed around the Rat Hole.)

Fred: (He's incredulous.) What in the what?

Magoo: Welcome to the Rat Hole, Fred. We built this over a period of three years. I did all the wiring and electrical stuff; I'm good with that kind of thing.

Dig: I dug the hole.

Spoon: Well, Chatter and I scrounged up all the wood from an old broken-down dock the camp wasn't using anymore.

Fred: This is incredible! So, what's this do?

(Fred spots a lever and pulls it before anyone can warn him further. A soda can shoots out of a soda dispenser at full speed, hitting Fred in the head and making him fall.)

Fred: Ow!

Dig: That had to hurt.

Magoo: Soda shooter.

(Another soda can shoots out. This time, Magoo catches the can as it flies.)

Fred: (He's slightly annoyed.) Now you tell me.

Magoo: You gotta be fast. (He hands Fred the can.)

Fred: Thanks.

Magoo: You want anything to eat? Chips? Sandwiches? Cheese fries?

(Fred starts to hallucinate at the thought of cheese fries.)

Fred: (He's in shock.) I thought you said that you guys had cheese fries here, but there's no way.

Magoo: (off-screen) I did.

(Fred falls comatose as he is still in shock.)

Magoo: (off-screen) Fred? Fred, are you okay? Fred?

Fred: Cheese fries?

Magoo: Fred? Fred?

(Fred faints, but in the next scene, he soon recovers and enjoys a platter of cheese fries. Everyone else eats different foods.)

Fred: Heaven. Absolute heaven. (to his cabin mates.) So, where'd you guys get all this food, anyway?

Magoo: Well, every week we give Scary Gary money and a list of supplies. He goes into town and gets it for us. And then at night, we just smuggle it down here.

Fred: In large green duffel bags?

Magoo: Yeah.

(A cutscene where Fred's cabin mates are carrying a duffel bag with food is shown.)

Spoon: Thanks, Scary Gary!

(As the cut scene ends, Fred tries to make sense of that scenario.)

Fred: Okay, well, that makes sense.But what about the blue pills I saw Floyd and Murray planting into the gruel?

(The same cutscene where said two people dump blue pills into the gruel are shown.)

Magoo: Uh, they're multi-vitamins. Gruel on its own has, like, no nutritional value whatsoever.

(The camera zooms in to the label on the jar of blue pills, revealing them to be multi-vitamins. Fred tries to comprehend that scenario, too.)

Fred: All right, but what about all the kids getting sick around camp?

Magoo: Have you seen Oksana?

(A cut scene of Nurse Oksana herself is shown, showing her beauty. Fred comprehends this.)

Fred: (off-screen) I guess the sick boy to sick girl ratio did lean heavily toward the boy side.

(The same cut scene where the line of sick campers is extended so that the line of male campers dreamily think of Nurse Oksana, and then fake it when she appears in their eyesight.)

Fred: Wow. Well, I guess that explains everything.

Magoo: What did you think was happening?

Fred: Nothing at all.

(Chatter and Dig arrive and enter at the Rat Hole with another duffel bag.)

Dig: Hey, guys! The new shipment's here!

Magoo: Is you-know-what inside?

Dig: Oh, yeah!

(Everyone except Fred pries open the bag and digs through it until they find and pull out a large wooden crate.)

Magoo: There it is.

(Upon opening it, they longingly stare at its contents.)

Spoon: That's the most beautiful thing I've seen in my whole life.

Dig: I think I'm gonna cry.

Fred: I can't believe I'm actually in the same room as...

Everyone: El Diablo.

(They hold up a giant, sparkly rocket with the words "El Diablo" neatly imprinted on its side.)

Magoo: We are so gonna fire this off tomorrow morning.

(Floyd Spunkmeyer plays his harmonica to signal another announcement coming up.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Good morning, campers. We still got a lot of spaces available on the sign-up sheet for the Summer Camp Games in only two weeks.

(Meanwhile, at the sign-up table near the camp's mess hall, everyone walks by it.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: In fact, the only person to sign up so far is the amazing Hugh Thompson. So, please, come on down over lunch and sign up at the Mess Hall.

(In another place, Hugh is exercising by jogging.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: (off-screen) Don't you wanna be a part of summer camp history, everybody? Thank you.

(Lawrence enters the outhouse to use the restroom.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: (off-screen) By the way, that hemorrhoid break-out I was worried about? I've contained it to my cabin.

(In the distance, Fred and his cabin mates (whom are now friends), head off into the woods.)

Dig: A lot of people think crevasses are holes, but that's not true at all. Squirrels dig holes, snakes dig holes, and honey badgers dig holes.

Magoo: This is it. (He places rocket on the ground.) Fred, would you do the honors?

Fred: Sure thing! (He lights up rocket.) Um...Run!

(Everyone runs off a safe distance away from the rocket. It starts to move, but it falls on its side.)

Dig: That can't be good.

(The rocket omits a popping sound.)

Spoon: Maybe it's a dud.

(The rocket blasts off and flies around the camp, amazing everyone. It flies past Francis grazing grass and Scary Gary taking a bath, before turning around and blowing up the outhouse (much to Lawrence's dismay, who was still using the restroom). Covered in soot, he takes in his surroundings.)

Lawrence: Seriously?

Fred: (He's cheering with his friends.) That was awesome! That was so cool!

(In the Mess Hall, Floyd Spunkmeyer waits at the Summer Camp Games for anyone willing to sign up.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Been a jockey? Been shot out of a cannon? Let me see your...Guys, sign up! Come on, we're gettin' a line here, buddy.

(Meanwhile, Fred and his friends are sitting at their usual table.)

Magoo: Hey, guys, I was thinkin'. Maybe we should all sign up for the Summer Camp Games. You know, it could be...Could be kinda cool.

Fred: (He's incredulous.) Yeah, because losing is so cool.

Magoo: Who says we're gonna lose?

Fred: I don't know, maybe 69 years of Camp Iwannapeepee history.

Magoo: Well, Floyd seems pretty confident in Hugh. The guy really does it all.

(Fred and Magoo glance at Hugh lifting weights.)

Magoo: Stunning. Nice.

Fred: This place is a dump. Let's face it, Hugh or no Hugh, we have no chance. Camp Superior is just...What's a word that's the opposite of inferior? Oh, got it. Camp Superior is just betterer.

Magoo: Now, what does Camp Superior have that we don't have here?

Fred: I don't know. Jet skis. Waterslides. Waffle bars. Clean-smelling air. Horses with four legs. And possibly monkey butlers.

Magoo: Who cares about that stuff anyway?

Fred: I do. Okay, just tell me one thing, one thing that Camp Iwannapeepee has that Camp Superior doesn't.

Magoo: One thing? I can think of four.

Fred: (He scoffs.) Yeah, okay, I can't wait to hear these.

Magoo: Spoon, Dig, Chatter and me.

(Spoon leaves to sign up for the Games. The rest of Fred's friends follow suit.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Come on, here we go! Looks like we got a team. Yeah! Yeah!

(Magoo high-fives Dig.)

Magoo: Boom!

(At Iwannapeepee's gate, Fred rants in front of the camera.)

Fred: Can you believe that? Magoo wants to compete in the Summer Camp Games. There's no way we can win.

(Five people in blue uniforms approach Fred from behind.)

Unknown: Of course there isn't.

Fred: (He's worried.) It isn't. It couldn't be. Because there's no possible way that voice could belong to...Kevin!

(As Fred turns around, he recognizes the sights of Kevin, Diesel, and notices three more of their comrades.)

Kevin: Ooh! Guten tag, Figglestink. Ha ha ha! Whaddup, dorknozzle? You know, I'd say I was surprised to see you here, but that wouldn't be true. A spaz kid for a spaz camp.

(Kevin and his comrades chuckle.)

Kevin: Ha ha! Wow! Snap! You just got Kevined, dogg!

(Kevin and Diesel try to complete a new handshake, but Diesel messes it up.)

Kevin: What? What? Oh, no, go around, dude. Grab the elbow.

Diesel: (He's confused.) But when do we do the snap?

Kevin: No, dude, there's no snap.

Diesel: There's a snap.

Kevin: There's no snap!

Diesel: Don't yell at me.

Kevin: Whatever. We'll go over it when we're back at Camp Superior.

Fred: You guys go to Camp Superior?

Kevin: Obvi. It's on all of our matching uniforms. What do you think, we'd go here? This place stinks. (He sniffs the air.)

Fred: This place does not stink! You stink, Kevin!

'Diesel: It literally stinks here. I mean, seriously. It smells like moldy cheese stuffed into a rotten skunk carcass.

Fred: Oh, well. (He deeply sniffs.) You know, that could be a number of things depending on the time of day. Right now, it smells like it's probably a mixture between the outhouse and Scary Gary's socks.

(In the distance, Scary Gary wafts the smell from his socks into the air.)

Scary Gary: I call 'em foot mittens.

Fred: So why are you here, Kevin?

Kevin: Me and the gang figured we'd go on a little field trip, scout the competish for this year's Summer Camp Games.

Fred: You don't have to worry because I, for one, will not be participating in your stupid games.

Kevin: Save yourself the embarrassment. (He chuckles.) You have no chance, Figglehorn. We're stronger. We're faster. Better dance moves.

(Kevin performs a few dance moves, impressing Diesel.)

Diesel: That was nice.

Fred: Okay, Kevin. You guys may be stronger than us. And faster. But there is no way that you are better dancers than us.

(Fred dances, causing Kevin to join in to challenge Fred.)

Kevin: (He's scatting.) Whoo! Oh, yeah! Warming it up now!

Fred: You think you're better than me? Huh, is that right?

Kevin: It's a competition now! Competition!

(Both campers stop dancing, being exhausted.)

Kevin: Enough!

Fred: (He's confident.) I won.

Kevin: No, you...This is ridiculous! (to his comrades.) Let's go, gulls. (to Fred.) See ya at the Summer Camp Games.

(Kevin and his comrades leave Fred and Iwannapeepee, leaving Fred to rant in front of the camera.)

Fred: (He's determined.) That's it! I don't care what it takes, I will beat Camp Superior. Not for me but for Magoo, Spoon, Dig and Chatter, who wanna prove to this world that they, too, can be winners. Not for me, but for Floyd, whose only dream in this life is to win that trophy. Not for me, but for anyone in this world who's ever been bullied or picked on. But mostly, I'll do it for me. Because, man, do I hate Kevin.

(It is the first day of the Summer Camp Games. Iwannapeepee walks out to meet the Superior campers.)

Fred: (He's confident.) Here we go.

(Superior's bus navigates through the road, stopping in front of Iwannapeepee's gate. The Iwannapeepee campers stare in shock as the Superior campers exit their bus, dressed uniformly in matching blue and holding their Summer Camp Games trophy.)

Fred: They don't look so tough.

Magoo: Yeah, they do.

Fred: I know. I was just trying to be positive. We're dead.

Magoo: I know.

Dig: (off-screen) We're totally dead.

(Ivan, Camp Superior's head counselor, approaches Floyd Spunkmeyer.)

Ivan: I see your camp is as charming as ever, Floyd.

(Ivan notices the giant lump on Floyd Spunkmeyer's face.)

Ivan: Sweet mother of mercy! What happened to your face?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: It's a bee sting. It looks a lot worse than it is. I'm fine. My trachea will open again soon. (He's wheezes.) I... I hope.

(The Superior and Iwannapeepee campers confront each other face to face.)

Kevin: You're goin' down, Figglehorn. I can't wait to watch you watch me win that trophy.

Fred: Well, Kevin, I hate to break it to you, but it's not gonna be me who watches you win that trophy. It'll be you who watches me watch you watch me win that trophy.

Magoo: (off-screen) Yeah!

(Camp Superior attempts to comprehend Fred's words.)

Diesel: (He's confused.) I don't... I don't know.

Kevin: (He's confused.) What?

(On stage, Murray horribly plays a bugle badly, marking the introduction of the Summer Camp Games. Ivan holds his hands up, promping Superior to cheer.)

Ivan: Welcome to the 70th Annual Summer Camp Games between Camp Superior...

(The Superior campers cheer, while Iwannapeepee boos them.)

Ivan: ...And Camp Iwannapeepee.

(The Iwannapeepee campers cheer, while Superior boos them.)

Ivan: Now, good luck to you all. Is there anything you'd like to say here, now, Floyd?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Of course. Um... (He clears throat.) I got nothin'. I got nothin'! Come on!

(Iwannapeepee cheers anyway.)

Ivan: Well, campers, without further ado, let the games begin!

(Everyone cheers as the games start.)

(The first event, a javelin throwing event, pits a Superior camper against Hugh. The Superior camper throws the javelin a good distance before Superior cheers.)

Ivan: (off-screen) Next up on javelin, for Camp Iwannapeepee, Hugh Thompson.

Hugh: (He breathes.) I got this.

Fred: So, Hugh, it goes without saying we'd be dead meat without you.

Hugh: Thanks, Fred. Hey, grab me a javelin, will ya?

Fred: Sure thing, bro.

(Fred faces the camera to speak.)

Fred: This would usually be the moment where I accidentally do something that screws everything up. (He laughs.) So glad it didn't happen, though. So, so, so glad. So glad. (to Hugh.) All right, here you go, Hugh.

(As Fred turns around, he accidentally knocks out Hugh with his javelin, leaving him unconscious in a concussion. He drops the javelin when several campers rush to Hugh.)

Fred: (He's weary) There it is.

Magoo: (He's panicked.) Fred? Fred, what happened to Hugh? Fred?

Fred: I don't know! I mean, he must have fainted! Yeah, he, he fainted. I guess he just couldn't handle the pressure.

(In a panic, Floyd Spunkmeister runs over to Hugh to try to wake him up.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: No, no! No, no, no, no! No! This can't be! Hugh, wake up! Wake up! Wake up, buddy! You're the one! You must lead us to victory!

Fred: You guys, it's not a big deal. I mean, we don't need Hugh. We never needed Hugh. The ability to beat Camp Superior was with us all along. Right here in our hearts. Watch this!

(Fred picks up the javelin and tries throwing it. Unfortunately, he ends up throwing it off-course and nearly impales Lawrence sitting on the ground.)

Lawrence: Seriously?

Ivan: (He blows whistle.) Ten points, Camp Superior!

Fred: I'm sorry! (to his friends.) Okay, guys, maybe we do need Hugh a little bit. But we'll be fine. You know why? 'Cause we're the underdogs. And if sports movies have taught us anything, it's that the underdogs always win. Always.

(The scoreboard changes to show 0 points for Iwannapeepee and ten for Superior. The next event is checkers, with Magoo against a Superior camper.)

Magoo: Boom!

(Just as Magoo thinks he's about to win, his opponent finds a loophole he left, and she wins the event for Superior.)

Ivan: (He blows whistle.) Ten points, Camp Superior!

(After the scoreboard changes 0-20, Fred and his friends fail at the next event, sack racing, letting Superior cross the finish line first.)

Ivan: (He blows whistle.) Ten points, Camp Superior!

(The scoreboard changes 0-30. Lawrence falls off during rock climbing after Superior reaches the top and rings the finish bell above.)

Lawrence: (off-screen) Seriously?

Ivan: (He blows whistle.) Ten points, Camp Superior!

(During the next event, tug-of-war, Fred and his friends get violently tugged into the mud pit in front of them.)

Ivan: (off-screen, while whistle blows.) Ten points, Camp Superior!

(During the next few events, Ivan's whistle blows as Superior gains more points. Ivan participates in cheering and high-fiving the Superior campers.)

(Ivan looks at the scoreboard.)

Ivan: And so, after the first day of competition, the score is Camp Superior, 70.

(The Superior campers whoop at the day's victory.)

Ivan: And Camp Iwannapeepee...Oh, man, that can't be right.

(Ivan stares at the scoring spreadsheet he has in his hand, looking at Iwannapeepee's scores.)

Ivan: I got a zero, another zero, third zero, I'll carry the zero.

(The Superior campers point and laugh at Iwannapeepee.)

Ivan: Yup. Camp Iwannapeepee has zero.

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Yeah! Yes! Yes! Yes! What? What? I can't hear a thing, I can't, seriously, I can't... (He's thinking.) I couldn't hear at all. Sorry.

Ivan: Tomorrow's another day! Get some rest!

(After everyone claps, Kevin and his comrades meet up with Fred and his friends as they are about to leave.)

Kevin: Yo, Figglehorn. What's up, man? I just wanted to say that I really think you guys all did a fantastic job out there today.

Fred: Do you really mean it?

Kevin: No. Puh-oh! You just got Kevined again, dawg!

(Kevin and Diesel unsuccessfully attempt to do their new handshake.)

Diesel: What? What?

Kevin: No, no, no. No, the pound, then explosion.

Diesel: Oh, and then do we do the snap after that?

Kevin: No, no. There's no snap! There's never been a snap! I'm...We should have practiced this before!

(As Kevin and his comrades leave, Fred turns to his friends, who are already leaving.)

Fred: Don't worry, guys. We'll get them tomorrow. Guys? (He sighs.) Perfect.

(At dinnertime that night, the Iwannapeepee campers sadly eat their food.)

Fred: So, you guys wanna hit up the Rat Hole tonight? Play some video games or somethin'? Eat some cheese fries?

Dig: I don't think so, Fred. We're not really in the mood.

Spoon: Yeah. I can barely even eat. Just barely.

(Chatter burps, then farts, making Fred laugh.)

Fred: Come on, you guys aren't even gonna laugh at a burp? It's the second funniest sound the human body can make.

Magoo: Sorry, Fred. We're just bummed. We're gonna lose the trophy again.

Dig: You were right before. We shouldn't have even tried. We're the worst.

Fred: No. We're not the worst. We're the best at being the worst.

Spoon: (She's confused.) Huh?

Fred: Sure, maybe our camp isn't the prettiest camp. Or the safest. Or the nicest smelling. But I say we're the best at being not pretty. We're number one at being unsafe. In the game of smelling bad, we earn the most points.

(Fred's speech starts to gain the Iwannapeepee campers' attention. He climbs up on a table to spread his speech.)

Fred: Camp Iwannapeepee is the best at being the worst! We all are.

Murray: Wait. So you're saying I'm not a bad cook? I'm the best at cookin' food badly.

Fred: (He's enthusiastic.) Yeah, you are, Murray.

Lawrence: So I'm not bad at personal hygiene? I'm the best at not brushing my teeth.

Fred: (He's more enthusiastic.) You are exactly right, Lawrence.

Scary Gary: So I'm not bad at being normal? I'm the best at covering myself in baby oil and wrestling wild raccoons.

(The entire Mess Hall falls in awkward silence before Fred, with little hesitation, picks up his speech.)

Fred: Sure. Why not? Some people might call us losers, but I say we're winners at being losers. We're the best at being the worst. Say it with me. We're the best at being the worst!

(Fred encourages the campers to chant with him, and everyone joins in, accompanies with claps and stomps.)

Camp Iwannapeepee campers: We're the best at being the worst! We're the best at being the worst! We're the best at being the worst! We're the best at being the worst! We're the best at being the worst! We're the best at being the worst! We're the best at being the worst!

(The next day, the games continue with a burping competition. A Superior camper burps loudly enough for the Superior campers to cheer loudly for him. Next in line are Magoo and Fred.)

Fred: Are you sure you don't wanna just have Chatter do this? He is our best belcher.

Magoo: Chatter's good. But he's not that good. Besides, we have science on our side.

(Magoo pulls out a brown, liquidy concoction in a giant blender.)

Magoo: This concoction will give my digestive system just the right mixture of nitrogen and oxygen to expel the highest quality eructation.

Fred: (He's confused.) What?

Magoo: I'll burp good.

Fred: Oh, cool. Wow, it's nice to see science provide humanity with something useful for once. Right?

(Magoo drinks the entire drink, then wipes his face with his hand.)

Magoo: Yeah. Right, Fred.

(Magoo enters the stage and waits for the concoction to settle in. When ready, he expels an enormously loud, and very long burp that sends a wind flying and nearly blows off Ivan's toupee. Ivan, dazed, readjusts his toupee before giving the points as Iwannapeepee cheers.)

Ivan: (He blows whistle.) Ten points, Camp Iwannapeepee.

Magoo: Iwannapeepee! Yeah!

Camper: Ha! Wig!

(The scoreboard changes 10-70. The next competition is a pie eating competition between Spoon and one of Kevin's comrades.)

Kevin: You were born for this! Come on! She's a little girl! You're a giant man-child and you love pie! You love it!

(Spoon finishes all of her pies first.)

Murray: (He blows whistle.) Ten points, Camp Iwannapeepee!

(Spoon takes Superior's remaining pies and eats them. She catches Chatter dreamily staring at her.)

Spoon: What are you staring at?

(Chatter continues to stare as the scoreboard now reads 20-70. The next event is revealed to be an arm-wrestling competition. It is Dig against another one of Kevin's comrades.)

Camp Iwannapeepee campers: (They're chanting.) Dig your hole! Dig your hole! Dig your hole! Dig your hole! Dig your hole! Dig your hole!

(Dig successfully puts his opponent's hand down.)

Murray: (He blows whistle.) Ten points, Camp Iwannapeepee!

(Camp Iwannapeepee cheers for Dig while Kevin leans in to whisper in his comrade's ear.)

Kevin: I'm disappointed in you.

(The scoreboard changes to say 30-70 points. The next event is a jousting competition, with Chatter against Diesel. Chatter struggles to hit Diesel off his platform.)

Spoon: You can do it, Chatter! I know you can!

Diesel: Is that your girlfriend? She looks like a man.

(Full of rage, Chatter brutally kocks Diesel off and sends him flying. The audience gasps as he lands in the ground, wincing in pain. Silence ensues, followed by Iwannapeepee cheering.)

Ivan: (He blows whistle.) Ten points, Camp Iwannapeepee.

(The scoreboard changes to 40-70 points.)

(As read by a poster, the next event is archery, with Fred against Kevin. Kevin shoots an arrow really close to the bullseye. Superior cheers at Kevin's shot.)

Kevin: Yeah! Beat that, Figglehorn.

(Fred nervously trembles while holding his bow and arrow. Magoo approaches him from behind.)

Fred: Oh, I can't do this. I don't know what I'm doing.

Magoo: Archery is all about focus, okay?

Fred: Okay.

Magoo: Just imagine the most peaceful, most serene place you can and let gravity do the rest. Okay? Peaceful, serene place.

Fred: Peaceful, serene place. Peaceful, serene place. (He's more relaxed.) Peaceful, serene place.

(Daydream sequence. Fred is sitting in a white room, behind an elegant table laid out for dinner. A monkey butler enters the room, holding a large platter in front of Fred.)

Monkey butler: Your cheese fries are ready, sir.

(He takes the lid off the platter to reveal two cartons of cheese fries, which he places on Fred's plate.)

Fred: Thank you, monkey butler.

Monkey butler: Shall I dance around and act like a monkey while you eat?

Fred: You shall.

Monkey butler: Very well.

(He proceed to jump around Fred, occasionally interrupting Fred's eating.)

Fred: He's feisty!

(End of daydream.)

Fred: Peaceful, serene place.

(Fred aims at the bullseye with his bow and arrow.)

Kevin: (He's intentionally loud.) Choke!

(Fred loses focus and accidentally shoots his arrow off-course. His arrow flies all around the archery course, bouncing off various objects until it hits the target, closer to the bullseye than Kevin's arrow.)

Fred: Oh, totally meant to do that.

Ivan: (He blows whistle.) Ten points for Camp Iwannapeepee.

(Iwannapeepee cheers wildly for Fred's success.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Holy Tim Tebow. It's Fred.

(He glances at Fred, who is cheering with his bow.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: He's the one.

Murray: The one what?

Floyd Spunkmeyer: The one my grandfather prophesied about. The one that would lead this camp to victory. I'm certain of it. Or maybe not. I don't know. How's my face look?

(On a wooden board, the day's score reads 50 points for Iwannapeepee to 70 points for Superior. Iwannapeepee cheers at the results, while Superior looks disappointed.)

Ivan: So, that leaves one final event. The talent show. This year will be a songwriting competition. Each camp will have 24 hours to write a song that best exemplifies what is so special about their camp. The winning camp will be awarded 30 points, so it's anybody's game.

(Kevin smirks in the distance.)

Magoo: Songwriting competition? Do any of you guys even know how to sing?

Fred: Um, hello? You're looking at the single greatest singer the world has ever known.

Magoo: Really?

(Kevin approaches Fred and Magoo from behind.)

Kevin: So, Figglehorn. A songwriting competition. Well, I know how good of a singer you are, Fred. You guys have practically won this thing already.

Fred: Um, did I just get Kevined again, or...

Kevin: No, bro. I mean, like, your singing skill is like...I can't say the words, you know? It's like that good.

Fred: You know, it's not my fault I gots the gift. My pipes be a-slammin'.

Kevin: Yeah, they be slammin'.

Fred: Well, see ya tomorrow. (to the Iwannapeepee campers.) Let's go!

(The Iwannapeepee campers leave the Superior campers standing alone. Kevin turns to face Diesel, who looks angry.)

Diesel: We are so toast.

Kevin: No, we're not.

Diesel: But, dude, you just said Fred's pipes be slammin'. He's a good singer.

Kevin: Are you serious? He's the worst singer on the face of the earth. Okay, I just said that stuff to get in his brain. You know how delusional Fred is. He's gonna screw this up for sure. And if he doesn't, well...We'll have to go to Plan B.

Diesel: Man, you are one manipulative little kid.

Kevin: Diesel. That's the single most nicest thing anyone's ever said to me. Now, come on, we got a song to write.

(The next day, Camp Superior performs their song first on stage, with Kevin, Diesel, and a few others on stage.)

Kevin: ♪ Yo, yo, I love to rap. / Rappity rap, A rap, a rap. / Catch you in a trap. Give you a big slap. / I've got a map, a cap, a snap. / Pap, Pap, Pap. There's no dog in my lap! / Or is there? / You don't know. Ha! / Kick it, Diesel. ♪

(A rooster crows during the song. Diesel unsuccessfully tries to freestyle dance. Kevin then hands his microphone over to Diesel.)

Kevin: Take the mic, son.

Diesel: ♪ Yo! Camp Superior! Uh-huh! ♪

Kevin: Ho ho ho! Rip it! Rip it!

(Diesel loses his train of thought, so he hands his microphone back to Kevin.)

Diesel: Yo! Uh... Take it, Kevin.

Kevin: ♪ What? Hip hop don't stop. Drop it like it's hot. / Or don't! Or don't! I don't care. / We're the best at everything. You don't dare / Step to us. I take the bus / To school sometimes 'cause my mom can't take me, / You know...'Cause she works some mornings. / But I make it work, 'cause I'm flexible, boy! ♪

(Kevin does the splits, which hurts him a lot.)

Kevin: Ow! Ow...oh!

(Diesel lifts Kevin back to his feet.)

Kevin: Camp Superior for life, son!

(Kevin imitates another rooster's crow, then drops the microphone, causing feedback to blare across the stage.)

Kevin: Oh, I'm sorry. Did I just drop the mic?

(Only the Superior campers clap for the song.)

Ivan: Give it up for Camp Superior! That was off the hizzy!

(More cheering and applause from Superior ensues.)

Ivan: Ladies and gentlemen, it is with great pleasure that I introduce to you our celebrity guest judge, Mr. Simon Cowell!

(The crowd looks behind to reveal a man that does not resemble the celebrity Simon Cowell.)

Camper: (off-screen) He looks different in person.

(Silence ensues. The camera pans towards a nameplate near the man, which reads "Simon Cowell (Yes, that's really my name).")

Ivan: Mr. Cowell, what score do you give Camp Superior?

(Simon Cowell flips his sign over, revealing he gave Superior a seven out of ten. The Superior campers clap upon seeing their score.)

Ivan: Seven! Terrific. Terrific.

Diesel: Should have been a nine, bro. Should have been a nine. Just sayin'.

Ivan: And now we have Camp Iwannapeepee, who will be doing a number entitled..."The Loser Song."

(The Superior campers burst out laughing upon hearing the song's title.)

Ivan: How appropriate.

(Kevin and Diesel approach Fred just before he enters the stage.)

Kevin: Oh, hey, Figglehorn. Look, no matter what happens, win or lose, I just want to say, you guys have done a great job.

Fred: Thanks, Kevin. You know, it's funny. I thought for sure you'd have some sort of evil plan up your sleeve to ruin my whole entire song.

(Kevin and Diesel fake-laugh to convince Fred that they don't have an evil plan.)

Kevin: Figglehorn! Evil plan? That's, that's absurd.

Fred: I know. It was stupid of me.

Kevin: Hey, go do a great job, man.

Fred: Okay.

Kevin: You're gonna be great.

(After Fred leaves, Kevin and Diesel laugh out loud. Kevin quietly turns to Diesel to talk with him.)

Kevin: Is my evil plan ready to go?

Diesel: Yeah. Plan B is in full effect. Let's just say that our little homemade Gruel Blaster is hooked up and ready to go.

Kevin: Ooh!

Diesel: One flick of the switch and whoever's on the other end of that baby, is gonna get soaked with gruel.

Kevin: Gruel-tastic.

(The duo try to perform their newly minted handshake again, but Diesel accidentally snaps his fingers again.)

Kevin: No snap.

(The Loser Song playing)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: and it’s time for Loser Songs With Camp Iwannapeepee, the part the the show were they're about to sing The Loser Song.

Fred: (to himself.) You can do this, Fred.

(Fred takes a deep breath and starts to sing.)

Fred: ♪ Well, our lake is green, our bunks unclean. / Safety here is unattainable. ♪

Kevin: Look at this guy. He's practically handing us the trophy already.

Fred: ♪ And our smells are unexplainable. / We're unsafe, unsound, uncool, unkempt, / Un-everything that you are. / You truly live up to the name of the camp. / You're the Superior camp by far! ♪

(Fred pauses before speaking.)

Fred: But seriously, you guys are jerks! It's time for the losers to have the spotlight for once! Hit it, Lawrence!

(The audience backs off to reveal Lawrence in a disco outfit, using the turntables to create their song's instrumental. Bubbles float around the audience, and Kevin tries to waft them away from him and Diesel.)

Kevin: Where'd they get the bubbles?

(Fred, Chatter, Magoo, and Dig start doing choreography on the stage.)

Camp Iwannapeepee campers: ♪ This is for the losers! / Sing it all night long, we're the losers! / There's nothing wrong with being losers! / This is where we belong, we're losers! Look at us! ♪

Diesel: (He's quietly singing along.) ♪ This is for the losers⁠— ♪

(Kevin jabs Diesel with his elbow to silence Diesel.)

Kevin: Hey, dude!

Diesel: What? It's catchy, man.

Camp Iwannapeepee campers: ♪ We're the losers! / There's nothing wrong with being losers! / This is where we belong, we're losers! Look at us! / This is for the losers! ♪

Murray: Yeah, we'll get last!

Camp Iwannapeepee campers: ♪ All night long, we're losers! ♪

Floyd Spunkmeyer: And you'll get first!

Camp Iwannapeepee campers: ♪ Nothing wrong with losers! ♪

Hugh: And we'll be best!

Camp Iwannapeepee campers: ♪ We belong, we're losers! ♪

Scary Gary: At being worst!

(Scary Gary, dressed in an old school outfit, shows off with his own freestyle breakdancing, impressing the crowd. Realizing Iwannapeepee's song was becoming the crowd favorite, Kevin and Diesel hurry backstage to active their Plan B.)

Kevin: Plan B! Go!

Diesel: Okay!

Kevin: Hut!

(At the end of his routine, Scary Gary winks and does a split. Fred takes the center of the stage.)

Fred: Ladies and gentlemen, it is my sincere pleasure to introduce to you the vocal stylings of our very own MC Spoon!

(Spoon, clad in a pop star outfit, snaps her fingers which promptly causes the Iwannapeepee campers to collapse as part of the song.)

Spoon: ♪ I don't need a victory / To tell me which camp is best, you see. And you might think it contradictory. / It don't take a degree to see / How much this place is right for me, / and you can disagree. ♪

(Diesel makes it backstage and turns on the Gruel Machine, but finds out that it has malfunctioned and wonders why.)

Spoon: ♪ But I will guarantee / From ocean to the sea, / From the bottom of Dig's hole / to the top of the tallest redwood tree. / Hear my plea, my thoughts, / My decree. / Write it up in big block letters. / Hang it up on the marquee. / There's no place I'd rather be / than here at Camp Iwannapeepee! ♪

Camp Iwannapeepee campers: ♪ This is for the losers! / Sing it all night long, we're the losers! / There's nothing wrong with being losers! / This is where we belong, we're losers! Look at us! / This is for the losers! ♪

(While Iwannapeepee performs their song, an impatient Kevin hurries backstage to find out why his and Diesel's Plan B is not working. He sees Diesel trying to turn it on.)

Kevin: Diesel! What's going on? What are you waiting for? Blow the gruel! Blast the gruel!

Diesel: Something's wrong! It's not working!

Kevin: You always screw everything up!

Diesel: I'm trying!

Camp Iwannapeepee campers: ♪ Look at us! / This is for the losers! / All night long, we're losers! / Nothing wrong with losers! / We belong, we're losers! ♪

Chatter: (He's vocalizing.) ♪ Oh, yeah! Camp Iwannapeepee...Is the greatest summer camp in the world! ♪

(The entire audience slowly lifts up the letter L with their fingers as Ivan steals Chatter's microphone.)

Ivan: Mr. Cowell?

(Mr. Cowell flips his sign over to reveal that he awarded Iwannapeepee's song a perfect ten, giving the camp an 80-70 point win in the games. The Iwannapeepee campers cheer and rejoice upon hearing the news.)

Lawrence: Seriously?

(Ivan attempts to steal Iwannapeepee's trophy Floyd Spunkmeyer is carrying, but he shoos Ivan off.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Yeah!

(Enraged, Kevin storms on-stage)

Kevin: No, No, No, no, no! Fred never wins!

(Backstage, Diesel continues to try activating Plan B.)

Diesel: On! On!

Kevin: I deserve that trophy! I do!

(Diesel notices that their Gruel Machine was unplugged, so he connects the wires connecting it to the plug, while unknowingly leaving it set to 'suck' instead of changing it to 'blow'. So, instead of splashing gruel on stage, Kevin's clothes, bar his underwear, socks, and shoes, are sucked in the machine, leaving him exposed in front of everyone. The campers roar with laughter as Kevin screams and tries covering himself.)

Fred: Nice undies, Kevin!

Kevin: No, look away!

(As the audience continues laughing, Kevin runs off into the woods to hide. Diesel turns their failed Plan B off.)

Diesel: Well, that didn't go as planned.

(The Iwannapeepee campers still rejoice, with Murray and Nurse Oksana sharing a kiss.)

Spoon: Oh, what the heck.

(Spoon kisses Chatter as the Iwannapeepee campers pose for a group photo.)

(Last day of summer camp. The familiar harmonica plays through the loudspeaker, signaling an announcement from Floyd Spunkmeyer.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Well, campers, it's a sad day here at Camp Iwannapeepee, because it's the last day of summer camp.

(In the distance, Dig covers up the Rat Hole and stares at it as Floyd Spunkmeyer continues speaking. Dig is then shown using car keys to lock the Rat Hole.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: And what a summer it's been. You know, when we got together here six weeks ago, we didn't know anything about each another, but we're leaving here as a family, which is why we'll always be better than the kids at Camp Superior. That and the fact that we won the hackin' Summer Games. I mean, are you kidding me?

(Meanwhile, Fred and Scary Gary are shown waving to each other.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: It doesn't matter whether you win or lose. What am I talking about? It does matter! It feels great to win! We beat Camp Superior! In your face, Camp Superior! In your face!

(Floyd Spunkmeyer is seen adoring Iwannapeepee's first trophy in the camp's trophy case. The camera then cuts to all the campers leaving Iwannapeepee and waving goodbye to everyone.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Now, kids, from the bottom of my heart, I'd like to say, one last time, Iwannapeepee on you. Iwannapeepee on you. Iwannapeepee on all of you. Now, I promised myself I wouldn't cry, but I'm only human. I'm gonna miss you sweet children. Until next summer.

(Floyd Spunkmeyer ends his speech and hangs up.)

Floyd Spunkmeyer: Yes!

(Fred, Magoo, Chatter, Spoon, and Dig have a conversation at Iwannapeepee's gate.)

Fred: Man, I'm really gonna miss you guys. I just wish there was a way for all of us to stay connected. I mean, besides the phone, texts, social networking sites, instant messaging and video chatting, there's really no way to keep in touch these days.

Dig: Yeah.

Magoo: Oh, come on, you big lug. You guys, group hug...

(Everyone groans as they all pile into a tight group hug.)

Spoon: Bye, guys.

Fred: See you, guys.

(After the group's final group hug, Fred drags his suitcase to where Fred's mom is standing, chatting with Randy.)

Fred: Wow, Mom. You look like shoe leather.

Fred's mom: Thank you, Freddy. Freddy, I want you to meet my new gentleman caller, Randy.

Fred: (He's nervous.) Hello.

Randy: (He stands awkward.) 'Sup.

(Randy drags Fred's luggage into the trunk of his pizza cab.)

Fred's mom: We may never have to pay for pizza ever again. Freddy, did you have a good time at summer camp?

Fred: Well, let's see, I got poison ivy on my face. I ate bad berries and puked my guts out. The bathroom was a disgusting hole in the ground. The food was terrible. None of the counselors knew what they were doing.It was six weeks of living in the smelliest, grossest, most unsafe summer camp that has ever existed.

(Fred glances around at his camp friends happily reuniting with their family members.)

Fred: So, yeah. Best summer ever.

(Fred, his mom, and Randy all pile in Randy's cab as he starts driving away from Iwannapeepee.)

Fred's mom: (off-screen) So, Freddy, what else did you do?

Fred: (off-screen) Well, I haven't gone number two since I last saw you.

Fred's mom: (off-screen) Oh, that runs in the family, honey.

Fred: (off-screen) And I accidentally beat up one of the counselors with a log. Can you believe it?

Fred's mom: (off-screen) That's not okay.

Fred: (off-screen) It happened, Mom. It all happened.

(It fades to black. Until, it translates to show the postcards while the end credits are rolling.)

(Rooster crowing.)

(Rock music playing.)

♪ Yo, camp superior ♪

♪ Uh-huh, Uh-huh ♪

♪ Yo ♪

♪ Today is my favorite day ♪

♪ It's the best in every way ♪

♪ So much more than just OK ♪

♪ It's very, very, very, very, very, very ♪

♪ Good day ♪

♪ Today is my favorite day ♪

♪ I do hope it's not cliché ♪

♪ It's exactly as I Say ♪

♪ Don't believe me, then just look ♪

♪ What's written under my toupee ♪

♪ Today is my favorite day ♪

♪ I like it more than a soufflé ♪

♪ Traffic lights you should obey ♪

♪ I'm really, really, really running out of words ♪

♪ That rhyme... with day ♪

♪ Today I love this day ♪

♪ Because today is the last day of school ♪

♪ The best day of school is the last day of school ♪

♪ The best day of school is the last day of school ♪

♪ Good-bye, Geometry, Good-bye, homeroom ♪

♪ Good-bye to the stench of Miss McGurkin's cheap perfume ♪

♪ The best day of school is the last day of school ♪

♪ The best day of school is the last day of school ♪

♪ No more wet willies, spitballs in your hair ♪

♪ The last day they'll hang you by your underwear ♪

♪ The best day of school is the last day of school ♪

♪ The best day of school is the last day of school ♪

♪ Good-bye, lunch food, how do we survive? ♪

♪ I won't miss the meatloaf ♪

♪ Is it alive? ♪

(Marching band playing, whistle blowing.)

♪ The best day of school is the last day of school ♪

♪ The best day of school is the last day of school ♪

♪ The best day is the last day ♪

♪ Is the best day 'cause it's the last day ♪

♪ Of school ♪

(Rap music playing.)

♪ My name is Fred ♪

♪ I'm sick in the head ♪

♪ Mess with me and you're gonna see red ♪

♪ F to the R to the E to the D ♪

♪ When you meet me, I think you're gonna pee ♪

♪ Your pants, that's it ♪

♪ I'm legit ♪

♪ Yeah, see, I'm Fred ♪

♪ Pick a horn, damn it ♪

♪ Yeah, we rule ♪

♪ Yeah, we cool ♪

♪ Open up your mouth and I'll feed you gruel ♪

♪ I abuse ♪

♪ We're gonna make a truce ♪

♪ Down pour some berries and you drink bug juice ♪

♪ We tuck not loose ♪

♪ I'm gonna cook your goose ♪

♪ Stick with me ♪

♪ I'm the Crocobearamoose ♪

♪ Peace ♪

♪ Bearimoose, Croco-Croco-Croco ♪

♪ Beari ♪

♪ Crocobearamoose ♪

♪ Croco-Croco-Croco ♪

♪ Bearimoose ♪

♪ There's no place I'd rather be ♪

♪ Than here at Camp Iwannapeepee ♪

♪ This is for the losers ♪

♪ Singing all night while we're the losers ♪

♪ There's nothing wrong with being losers ♪

♪ This is where we belong, the losers ♪

♪ Look at us ♪

♪ This is for the losers ♪

♪ All night long, the losers ♪

♪ Nothing wrong with losers ♪

♪ We belong with losers ♪

♪ Camp Iwannapeepee ♪

♪ Is the greatest summer camp ♪

♪ In the Woooooooorld! ♪