Fred 2: Night of the Living Fred/Transcript

For the sequel of the Fred: The Movie, Fred 2: Night of the Living Fred.

Transcript
Fred: Hey, it's Fred! My life is a horror movie! It's so scary! I'm so scared! And you'll be, too, once you hear about it. You'll be scared and scarred. Scare-arr-red! That's a new word I just made up, scared and scarred combined. Which is what you'll be. I'm gonna go get a snack. Do you want to hear about it or not? Meet me in the kitchen. Usually, I lead a very normal life, go to school, hang with friends, see my girl. You remember Judy, right? Freddie Judy. Yeah, we broke up. Dumped her.

Judy: Don't go, Fred.

Fred: I'm sorry, Judy, but I can't be tied down. Here's looking at you, kid. Well, we'll always have the party where you threw up on me, Fred, now, won't we? Yeah, that's what happened. But she was the one to break up with me. Anyways, that wasn't the scary part. My music teacher, Mrs. Felson. She is the best music teacher to ever live on this earth. How was it? How was it, Mrs. Felson? Beautiful, Fred. Just lovely. Thank you. What? Thank you! Tarzan! Don't you play with Mummy's hearing aid. But today, when I got to school, she had vanished. Disappeared. Gone without a trace. Mrs. Felson? Mrs. Felson? Mrs. Felson? Hello-ski.

<!-- Who are you?

Well, who are you? I'm Fred. That tells me almost nothing. I'm a student here. I knew that. I was just kidding. It didn't seem like you were kidding. Or did it? I'm Mr. Devlin, the music teacher, and I want to help you join the world with music. Music teacher? You like bulgogi? I don't know what that is! Where's Mrs. Felson? It was her time to move on. Bye-ski! He was so weird! But the horror didn't end there. Oh, my gammit, I wasn't expecting this to be good, but it's amazing! You've gotta try this. Sorry. Anyway, I'm so scared about what happened after school today. Someone followed me, a stalker! A really strange person. No, be quiet, it's okay, don't scream. Okay. Oh, my gammit! He's moving in next door!

Who?

Mr. Devlin, the weird new... Hey, it's Fred! My life is a horror movie! It's so scary! I'm so scared! Now do you see why I was so scare-arr-red? This sandwich is really making me feel better. Not totally, but, you know, it's getting there. Why did he have an umbrella in the daytime? I don't know. If I knew, I wouldn't be scared, now would I? And why are you so scared? He's just a teacher. He's responsible for the disappearance of Mrs. Felson, Bertha! I think Mrs. Felson got fired. Yeah, I guess that could have happened, except for the fact that it's impossible 'cause she's the best music teacher in the world.

In the whole planet.

I get it, okay. There she is.

Mrs. Felson?

No, that girl I was telling you about. She's following us. Yeah, she follows us every day.

Why didn't you tell me, Bertha!

Bertha: Because I didn't care. Why do you even think that she's so obsessed with us? I don't know, ask her, or are you scared of her, too?

Fred: No. Bertha, I am not scared of her.

Bertha: Yeah, whatever.

I'm not scared.

Fred: Excuse me.

Talia: Hi!

Fred: Yes, hello, why are you following me?

Talia: This is how I get to school.

Fred: Really? Then why have I never seen you walk this way to school then?

Talia: Because I didn't start this school until this year. My name's Talia.

Fred: I'm Fred...

Talia: Fred. I know.

Fred: Well, we should get to school.

Talia: Okie dokie.

Everybody have fun tonight Won't everybody Wang Chung tonight I said, everybody have fun tonight She was actually really nice, and she knew my name. Stop. You're making me so jealous. Everybody Wang Chung tonight Bravo, Mr. Lebow. Bravo! You're definitely benefiting from the private lessons. Yeah, but I was talented already though, right? You know, Kevin is my little advertisement for my lessons. But I was talented already. Be like Kevin. Join the world with music. Now, the piano recital is coming up, and we all know what a big, big deal that is, don't we? A few lessons with me and anyone will be ready for the recital. I'm going to kick some piano butt at that recital. What's that even supposed to mean? It means you should shut up! All right, Kevin, why don't we give somebody else a chance? Fred,

let's hear how your piece is coming.

Okay, let's do it. A duel. Choose your weapon. Fine. Usually the bow comes after the piece. We do things a little bit different around here. Okay, Fred, that was very interesting. What is the name of that piece? Fr Elise. Doy-ta-doy, only the most famous piece of music in the history of the world! I can see how you would think that. Well, not everybody is born with natural talent. Yeah, like me. Well, just keep practicing. I mean, the guy has no ear for music talent,

obviously!

Totally. I'm sure your piece was the best. I know, right? I mean, to think that someone like Kevin is better than me, you have to be kidding me! He's terrible. You're great. Thank you. Well, we're here. Hey, do you like cookies? I made you a cookie in chemistry class. You make cookies in chemistry class? It's 100% chemicals. All right. Cool, that's really creative. Well, thank you for walking me all the way home. You're welcome. Did that crow just... Talia? What the H-E double hockey sticks is going on here? Is Talia imaginary? You saw her, right? She's real, right? Oh, my gammit, what if Talia's a ghost? What's that noise? I am a ghost, Fred. But where are you from? I was born in ancient times, So what happened to you? I loved to shop, so I shopped till I dropped. Now, I am doomed to walk among the living until these fashionable shoes go out of style. Those shoes are pretty swank. So you can actually die from shopping? My story should serve as a lesson. Always shop at a mall with a food court so you won't starve. That's so tragic. I'm so sorry. I'm good. I'll get it.

Okay.

Fred! Are you going to get the door... Doorbell? Sorry, Ghost Talia said she's getting it. Oh, my gosh. I wish I could afford professional help for you. Janet. Hilda. What a

fun outfit for relaxing at home.

I just came from work. My job. You've heard of those? You go out and tell the world that you mean something? Well, my job is raising my family, and it's a full-time job for me.

Hey there, Fred.

Hi. You know, Kevin keeps mentioning wanting a playdate with you. I did not say that ever! Hey, how's your husband? He's fine. As a matter of fact, it was his idea for me to invite you to this little welcoming party we're having for the new music teacher, Mr. Devlin, tonight. Kind of short notice, don't you think? I understand if you have plans!

We don't.

Good! Good, great! 7:00. Bye, Fred... I am not going to a party at Kevin's house. Fred, since your father left me, it's been up to me to raise you on my own. And believe me, I've enjoyed every minute of it. But with that comes a lot of sacrifice, and part of that sacrifice is not getting invited to a lot of parties. So we're going. But Mom, it's at Kevin's house, Mom!

Kevin's house!

Wear something nice. Oh, my gammit! A party at the lair of my arch enemy's house! And for some creepy guy who's clearly out to destroy my musical confidence. What am I gonna do? You're gonna go, that's what you're gonna do.

Dad!

You're gonna go, find out everything there is to know about this guy. He's a wrong dude, I can feel it. I knew it! That's just what I was thinking! This cottage cheese is also wrong.

Throw it out.

Okay. You get a full report, and you get back to me.

Where will you be?

Right here. Wait, wait, Dad! You can't see me! Yeah, I can. All right, what do you want? Actually, I was thirsty.

There you go.

Sunny D! All right!

Thanks, Dad.

Don't litter. Stand up straight and don't steal anything.

Mom, I never steal.

That's good. You're good. You're a good boy, Fred. ...tonight Won't everybody have fun tonight I said, everybody have fun tonight Will everybody Wang Chung tonight I said, everybody Wang Chung tonight Oh, my God! Wasn't he amazing? Isn't he incredible! You're so good. You're so good! His piano has improved so much since taking lessons from you. Well, thank you. I had a lot to work with, he has a lot of raw talent. You taught him that? That is unbelievable. So much talent to teach young kids. As a single person, I totally respect that. Hi, I'm Hilda Figglehorn. Hello-ski, Jake Devlin. Hello-ski yourself! You know my son, Ferdinand? I don't know if I do. Liar! You know me, you're my teacher. I'm just kidding, Ferd...

Oh, my gosh...

Of course I do. That's too funny. You are too funny.

Isn't he too funny, Fred?

Yeah,

he's way too funny.

You must keep your wife in stitches. No, no. I'm not married. What? A handsome man like yourself with the ability to impart musical knowledge? How do you keep the women away? There's no logical answer to that. Could I

get you a little drink?

Yes. Okay, then. Hey, Wang Chung tonight. Nice hair, Kevin. You know, you look like Robert Pattinson, if he were stupid! What are you doing in my house, Fred? I have to use the restroom. Is this the restroom? You know what? I'm thinking, I'm gonna kick you out of here, Fred. No. Because Kevin, I was invited to be here. I'm a partygoer. Therefore, you're my host. So, if you wouldn't mind, could you get me a Coke, please? Kevin, are you being a good host? With a slice of lime.

Hey, Fred!

Talia! I wasn't expecting to see you here. But it's good, right? Yeah. What are you doing here? I was bored up in my room. Hey, Figglehorn! What are you doing talking to my sister? I'm not talking to your sister, Kevin, I'm talking to Talia, who is your... Your sister? What? What is going on around here? The girl next door How did I miss her? It's just not fair! She's Kevin's sister My life is upside down. Dad! Dad, I need your help! Gammit! It's him! Ever since Mr. Devlin showed up, everything got crazy! Wait a minute. There's something up with that man's name! If you switch around the letters, you get "devil" with an extra "N." Huh? You see what I'm saying? Pretty weird, right? Let's figure this out. Devlin. Devil, "N" devil! N-devil! Devlin! Devlin, N-devil, N-Devlin! N-devil, Devlin! Whatever! There's something there, I'm gonna work on that. That man is pure evil, and I know it! I'm going to investigate. Tonight. Freddie The middle of the night. Perfect! Nobody's up this late. Magic. I'm still here, but you can't see me. Floating teeth, who's doing it? Look out! Oh, my gammit, what was he burying in his backyard? And was that Mrs. Felson's cat? Did he murder her for her cat?

Fred! Who are you talking to down there?

No one. Geez, I'm starving. All that outdoor activity made me hungry for a midnight snack, even though it's only ten to 11:00. I really do wonder, why did he kill Mrs. Felson? Then again, I suppose the school music teacher is a pretty prestigious job. So he probably wanted her position as a cover-up for his nefarious acts. What is going on with my pancake? Mrs. Felson?

What?

What are you doing in my pancake? Fred, I can't hear you, but I need to warn you about Devlin. What? What?

What do you have to warn me about?

I don't know what you're saying, but I need you to be careful of him. He's more than a music teacher. He's evil.

I knew it.

Oh, dear, I have an itch. Gotta go. I'm not hungry for pancakes anymore. Yes, you got the last one! You will not regret it, man.

I am so about the piano.

This recital's gonna rock. Yeah, mostly because of me.

He's controlling everyone!

Who? Devlin! I mean, what's his game? He keeps saying "Join the world," like it's a different world or something.

Right.

An alien world! He's an alien, Bertha. I know it! He's an alien sent from distant outer space to control our minds. Well, you figured me out, Fred. I am an alien. The leader of an advance team sent here to establish a beachhead in your friendly town. Devlin. I'm not Devlin. I'm... Mansquito from the planet of Mansquitoes. I didn't know mosquito heads looked like that! I know, right? And I'm, like, the best-looking guy on the planet of Mansquitoes. You got anything to drink? Like all of your blood? Ready to go to class? That's a good suggestion. Excellent work. Keep practicing. All right, next victim.

Weird.

What? You scared me.

Sorry.

It's okay. So why didn't you tell me you and Kevin were brother and sister? I thought you knew. I've lived across from you my whole life. Really? Hi, I'm Fred.

Trick or treat!

Hey, Figglehorn! Wow, I must have missed it somehow. But Talia, me and you, this friendship thing we have going, I'm gonna have to end it because your brother, Kevin, he's a total psycho! A total lunatic! And he hates my guts! Yeah, but I don't. I like you, Fred. And I don't care what Kevin thinks. Okay. Well, see you tomorrow. She likes me. I knew that. But I don't have time to indulge in romance. Everyone's taking piano lessons from Mr. Devlin even though he is clearly, clearly no judge of music talent. Geez! That's a little inappropriate, putting a vampire on a children's cereal box, don't you think? Wait a minute, that's it! The umbrella in the sunlight, the burying stuff in his backyard, Kevin's new haircut! Mr. Devlin is a vampire! And vampires, they turn everyone else they know into vampires, too! The gig is up, Fred.

You're outnumbered.

Yeah. That might be true, Devlin. But I've got dancing pecs, this mystical tattoo and weird techno music plays when the wind flows through my fluffy hair. I don't see what that has to do with anything. Yeah, besides, we have my sister. Surrender, Fred. Okay, I'll surrender. Not. Fred! Okay, I was panicked, but I did some research, and I found some vampire fun facts. You can tell someone's a vampire because they can't go in direct sunlight, they can't see their own reflection, and aside from crosses, they don't like silver, garlic, and most importantly, they cannot come into your house unless you invite them in. Fred, get the door, it's my date! So until I figure out what to do with him, I'll be completely safe from Devlin in my home where he'll never be invited! Hello-ski. Is everything all right? Fred, invite Mr. Devlin in! Please come in.

Hello, Jake.

Well, don't you look stunning.

Please, stop.

No, you look beautiful, and I need to let you know... She asked you to stop! Well, I thought we could walk to a great little restaurant I know about.

Now, that sounds wonderful.

Mom! You can't go, you didn't hire me a babysitter. Fred, I leave you alone all the time, like every day. But tonight. Tonight, it's going to be dangerous. Don't wait up. I'll have you home by 8:30. Come on, let's not stop the party before it even gets started. Put these in something moist. Bertha!

Fred...

Okay, I've got an emergency. I'll pick you up in two minutes on the Fred cycle. Hilda, I must say, that is a fantastic outfit. Mr. Devlin, you make a girl feel young again.

There they are.

What's the big deal?

It's just a date.

With a vampire!

That's how you become one.

A vampire? I can't keep re-explaining things, Bertha, I've had a lot on my mind! Especially since Kevin's little sister is stalking me.

Stalking you? Give me a break.

Yes. Girls like me, Bertha. I'm hot.

So, this is one of your main haunts, huh?

Well, I've actually never been.

On a teacher's salary...

Yeah, you could probably afford a lot nicer than this, huh? Actually, I was gonna say, on a teacher's salary, I usually just eat toast. Yes. You probably do. Duck! Hey, what's up with the huffing and puffing? It's hard to pedal with all this extra weight. Well, maybe you shouldn't have brought this! It's for parking, Bertha. My kickstand broke! Now, wrap it around the pole, would ya! What are we gonna do? I mean, we walk in like this, they'll recognize us.

I have an idea.

Okay. Come on! Wait here. There you are!

You're late.

What are you talking about? Put this on and get on the grill. But I'm too young to have a job. Yeah? Me, too! Delmar, your trainee is finally here. Hey. How are you doing today? Fries are done. Come on, let's go. Merci beaucoup. Fancy. You certainly know how to show a girl a good time. Well, I looked at a website. And the perks just keep coming. Thank you.

Thank you.

Cheers, madam. My damn foot's stuck in the door. What I like to put on my fries is melted cheese. One chef to another. Yeah, you mean cheese fries? Are you trying to steal my recipe? Look, kid, I'm a professional, all right? I don't need to steal your recipe. You should keep an open mind, sir, because you might learn something from me. I can make "anything" taste good. Anything, huh? Anything! Yeah?

What about my sock?

Yeah. What about that, man? What about his sock, huh? You are so on. Just kidding.

That's good.

Refreshing. I've become something of a water snob, and that is really dynamite. Good evening, can I take your order? Yes, I'm gonna have the... Oh, my gosh, have I met you before? Do I know you? I don't know, I'm here all the time, just taking extra shifts. You look just like a girl in my class. You're probably mistaking me for my daughter! That's flattering. No, no, I'm Danitra. No, it's just that you look precisely... I got lots of tables here... Right, right, okay. Hildegard? I'm just gonna have the fish, grilled. I'm not really much of an eater. But you are a catch. I will have the T-bone steak. Extra, extra rare.

So, like, super rare.

Like bloody. And hold the garlic fries, please. You don't like garlic? Well, I'm on a date with an attractive, young lady. You. I need a fish, grilled, and a T-bone steak, extra rare. In fact, bloody.

Did he order that?

He did. And he also said, "Hold the garlic fries."

O-M-G, are you serious?

Yup. Your sock is dripping. You've got to get back out there, Bertha.

What do you want me to do?

Eavesdrop! I don't know! I mean, you might find a clue to his master plan. Hey, why are you so worried, huh?

My mom's on a date with a vampire!

A vampire? That was scrumptious. Want to hear the specials?

Sure.

My father was in the army... We don't have any specials. ...so we moved around a lot.

That must have been really difficult...

I'll have a grilled ham and cheese...

Not so loud. Let me hear about you. It can't be easy... I'll have the grilled ham and cheese. It wasn't easy at all, and sometimes I can't... I'll have a grilled ham and... I mean, the kid sucks the life out of you. I mean, you know. You're with kids every day... And a side of fries. Actually, they make me feel young. I guess I suck the life out of those kids, huh? They need to order. So, how does it taste? Like a sock. But is it good? For a sock. Well, what did I tell you? I can make anything taste good. Fred! Fred. They're leaving, we gotta go.

What did you hear?

Well, I... I think he said he's gonna suck the life out of the kids.

Are you serious?

Come on.

He is a bad tipper.

I should get some of that. There's hardly any here. I'm responsible for cooking my mom's fish. You deep fried a sock. While supervising the grilling of my mom's fish. Fine! Here. Thank you. Now, how are we gonna get home before they do? The back way. I never should have eaten that brownie la mode.

I'm trying to keep my girlish figure.

I admire a woman with a hearty appetite. You're too kind.

Come on, almost there.

You know, I'm not that heavy. And stop. All right, I'm gonna park the Fred cycle here overnight, okay? Aren't you worried people will talk? About what? About your bike being parked in my driveway. What would they say? Never mind.

Get going, just go, go.

Okay, bye. Well, I had a lovely time. Do you wanna come in for a cup of coffee, tea, me? Just kidding. Well, Hilda, I have some things to do tonight, and tomorrow, it's off to work. Right, of course. Good night. Good night, sweet prince. Freddie, what are you doing? I'm just reading about 99 ways to please your man. Seems like a lot. Anyways, how was your date? It was wonderful. What a gentleman he is. He paid for my dinner, Freddie. I don't deserve him and yet I do. What are you doing? Just making sure he didn't leave any marks. He's a nice man, Freddie. He's very interested in you. Me? He asked questions about me? Yes! You didn't answer them, did you? Yes, I lied and said that you were sane! Good night. Hey, how was the fish? Horrible. I just ordered it to be ladylike. Wait, how did you know that I ordered fish? I have mental tilapia. Good night. I've really got to keep any eye on that Devlin guy. My mom, she told me he's interested in me. I guess he's been asking questions about me and stuff. But anyway, I read online, vampires, they do all of their dirty work in the nighttime. So this is the only time of the day that I'm gonna be able to catch him in the act. Is that Mrs. Felson's jacket? Gammit! He saw me! I gotta get out of here. Dad! I need your help. Well, that's no coincidence, Son, because I need your help.

Really?

Yes. We gotta face this enemy together. Let's go! Okay. Now entering the arena, the reigning Tag Team Champions, Fred Figglehorn and his father, Dad Figglehorn! Let's go! Now, the champs must face their deadliest opponents yet, the masked vampire, Mr. Devlin! And his undead partner, Kevin!

Oh, my gammit!

They're vampires, Son. In the words of Vince McMahon, "Expect the unexpected." Oh, my gammit! No human is a match for the strength of the undead.

Except a WWE Superstar.

I was going to say that. If you'd let me finish, that was going to be the end of my sentence. I'm sorry, I cut you off.

You're what?

I'm sorry. Well, you don't sound like you mean it, so apology not accepted! Figglehorn! Please don't bite my neck!

I'm not gonna bite you!

You aren't? No, that's disgusting! The other vampires would think we're dating. I just thought you wanted to turn me undead. No, someone else could do it. I just want you dead! Well, that's a relief! Good job, Son. Thanks. Look out behind you. Two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! What? Well, I better get to bed. I have school tomorrow. I'm more convinced than ever that he's a vampire!

Come on, Fred.

Did you hear him? He said he was going to suck the life out of those kids. Yeah, I heard him, but I'm sure he meant something else. Hey, Fred. I'm gonna need some of your blood. You too, Bertha. I stand corrected. What makes you think we'd give you any of our blood, Mr. Devlin? For the blood drive. I'm gonna get a pint of blood from each of the kids.

Kevin gave a pint this morning.

Yup and I feel great. Well, you look terrible. Yeah? Well, I look better than you! I highly doubt that, stupid! You know, it's a great thing that Kevin's done. He's given the gift of life to someone who needs it. Kind of like a vampire, if you ask me.

Well, vampires need to live, too, Fred.

No, they don't,

they're dead already.

That's where you're wrong, Fred. Vampires are undead. Well, enough joking around, I have to get going. I'll see you guys later when I take your blood. Bertha, I met your mother last night. She is a wonderful, wonderful waitress. Maybe next time, you give her a better tip. The recital is tonight, and everyone's gonna be there.

I know, isn't it exciting?

It's scary, is what it is. I know, I know, totally scary in an exciting way. Hey, I wanna show you something. I made these hand puppets. Hi, Fred. I'm Talia. Hi, Talia. I'm Fred. I like you, Fred. I'm not sure I'm ready to say how I feel about you yet, Talia. That's okay, even though I already opened myself up to you. That's nice. Talia, hurry up! Mr. Devlin is waiting! I hope you're not mad I'm taking lessons. Was that the puppet talking? Okay, bye. Puppet cooties. Talia's under his spell, too! Which in some ways is okay because she's kind of creeping me out, but still,

what's happening?

He's taking control of your life! That's what's happening!

Dad.

And you've got to do something about it. Cripes, Dad. Language. What should I do? I'd light some scented candles, maybe breathe through a damp cloth. No, I'm talking about Devlin! You're gonna suck his blood! Suck his blood before he sucks yours. Grab his head like this, turn his neck sideways like this! And then, you bite his neck and drink that blood, that warm, thick, gooey blood. You got to gulp it down, like some red hot motor oil milkshake. I mean, you got to drink so much of that blood that it smells like a hospital and tastes like a dentist. Fred? Fred?

Sorry, I passed out.

It's okay. Where was I? Yeah, smells like a hospital and tastes like a dentist. Fred, Fred. Wake up! You've got to prepare yourself. First of all, vampires hate baseball players, so we got to find a bunch of baseball players to help us out. Yeah. Wait, what? Vampires are always yelling at baseball players. I think you're thinking of umpires, Dad. I still think a baseball player may be of some use to us. Okay. All right, listen, you've gotta take this guy on in public, that way he's got no place to hide. The recital's tonight, and everyone's gonna be there. That's the field of battle. That's where he's going to turn everybody into vampires! And that's where I'm gonna take a wooden stake and drive it into his heart! Wait, you... You're not really gonna stab him, are you?

Well, yeah, he's a vampire, Dad.

Good! Just try not to get any blood on your shirt, okay?

Okay.

Now, go. Gather your forces!

Take this, it will make you go faster.

Okay. Thanks, Dad. Bertha! Bertha! Bertha! It's the recital, that's where he's... Hello-ski!

You're taking lessons?

My mom's making me do it. It's no big deal. It's a very big deal. She's very talented. Join the world, Fred. I'm alone! Everybody else has joined his evil world! He crept into every corner of my life and took over! Now, I've got to take him on all by myself. First, I'll need a cross, a really big cross. What are you doing? Derf! What are you doing here? There's a question already on the table. I'm using this cross against a vampire. Do you want to help?

No.

Okay. So... How've you been, Derf? You know, I've been pretty chilled. Is that good?

It's tight.

Is that good?

On point.

Is that good?

It's off the chain, Fred.

Derf! Just tell me! Are you okay?

Yeah.

Okay. You know that's not a real cross, right? I know, but it'll do, I think. How do you know? Are you a vampire? No. I've been reading about them online. No one's ever learned how to kill a vampire from the Internet. Well, it looks like I'll be the first, then.

You should probably go.

Yeah.

I've got to stop this vampire.

And there's a cop car. It's illegal to steal signs, Fred. Hello, hello. You look so hungry.

Let me get you some food.

I'll just have some garlic sauce. Garlic sauce? All you gonna eat is garlic sauce? Yeah, can't you just get, like, a big old bowl of garlic sauce, you know? No. Okay, well, do you have, like, chicken with garlic sauce?

Yes.

Okay, I'll have chicken with garlic sauce.

Okay.

Just hold the chicken.

Why you need garlic sauce?

To stop a vampire.

What's a vampire?

It's like... You know, like a...

You vampire?

No, no, I'm not a vampire.

But you know what...

What's a vampire? Never mind. Anyways, can I just get some garlic sauce, please? Yes, garlic sauce to go. Be right back. There's a weird kid here. All he eats is garlic sauce. That would upset his stomach.

He scares me, he creep me out!

I'll get the garlic sauce. No, no. I don't want to be out here with him. Say hi to all the people. He freaks me out. I fear for my life.

Hey.

Hi.

Fortune cookie?

Okay.

Here's garlic sauce.

How much will that cost, please?

On the house.

Really? That's really nice of you guys, you guys are good people. We very nice people. You tell friends. But you please go now. Nice kid. I told you he's weird. There you are. What's all this stuff? It's supplies. But you're coming to the recital, aren't you? It's very important to Jake. It's Jake now? It's always been Jake. We're adults. Well, don't you worry, I wouldn't miss Jake's recital for the world. You know, you should really call him Mr. Devlin. It's very disrespectful. What do you want me to call him? I'm so confused, Mom! I just want you to be on time for the recital. I'll be right on time. Why are you talking like that? Are you pretending you're in a movie or something? No. All right, well, listen, you be a good boy, and I'll see you at that recital. Bye. All right, Mr. Music Teacher, time to give you a lesson. Everybody have fun tonight Back, foul beast! These people will not be your minions. Fred? What are you doing?

What do you have there?

You'll find out soon enough.

Freddie, come and sit down. I saved you a seat. All your friends are here, let's enjoy the recital. First of all, I don't have any friends, Mom. And second of all, that man is pure evil. Fred, don't be ridiculous. You're being ridiculous.

He's being ridiculous.

Yes, your mother is right, Fred.

You are being... What was that word again?

Ridiculous. Ridiculous. Now, give me the water gun. First of all, this right here isn't a water gun. It's a Master-Blaster, top-of-the-line in liquid dispersal weaponry. And second of all, you'll get this over my dead, hot body! I'm just worried about your personal safety, Fred. You could get hurt. Jake, I am so sorry. He hasn't been himself since the day he was born. Step away, Mom.

Please.

You're being ridiculous! Am I? Well, this might change your mind. Oh, my gosh! I look like crap. Hey, where's your... Where is... Everybody, stay where you are. The recital is about to begin now. Garlic sauce! Kevin! Give me the water gun, Fred. It's a Master-Blaster. Fine, give me the Master-Blaster or Talia joins the undead. It's over, Fred. You've lost. Now, kick the water gun over to me. It's a Master-Blaster! Fine, Master-Blaster. What is the difference? The difference is, Devlin, that this is a water gun. Gammit. Attaboy, Freddie-boy! Fred, you saved me!

I did.

My son. That's my only son. Sorry. Excellent job, Rebecca. Fantastic. Up next, we have Gulliver Mittens. Back, foul beast! These people will not be your minions! Okay. Figglehorn, will you get out of here, bro? No can do, Kevin. Okay, come on, Freddie, sit down. I saved you a seat here. Calm down, everyone, I'll keep you safe. I'm here to protect you. This garlic sauce will protect you. I am your savior. I'm here to save you guys. It burns! Did you hear that? He said it burns! He's already a vampire! Don't worry, Talia. I'm here to protect you. Fred! Fred, stop it! Please, Hilda, do something! I hope it's not too late, Mom.

Fred, stop it, stop it! I'm sorry, everybody. - I hope it's not too late.

Jake, I'm so sorry.

Mom, he's a vampire! He is not a vampire, and you are going home and I'm taking a bath. So sorry. Sorry. I smell like a used napkin in a pizza parlor. I actually got it at the Chinese place. Actually, I don't care where you got it. What the heck was that all about?

He's a vampire.

He is not a vampire. Says the hypnotized woman. Thank you. They'll see. Hey, Talia. Nice talking to you. She's scared. Yeah. Why would she be scared, Bertha? I don't know, maybe 'cause a crazy person sprayed garlic in her face yesterday. Oh, my gammit, who did that? Watch out, Figglehorn! It's a flying vampire bat! Better protect yourself with garlic!

Get away!

Everyone, stop! Diesel, put that away.

It's just water.

It's still bad.

All of you, get to class.

Yeah, you heard him. Now, Kevin. Fred, wait a minute. You obviously have the wrong impression of me. So, you're not a vampire? Everyone knows there's no such thing as vampires. That didn't answer my question. Listen, I'd like to invite you to dinner at my house tonight. What, so I can join your world? Yes. We need to get to know each other better. Bury the hatchet, if you will. Did you hear that? He wants to bury the hatchet, probably in my head! I'm going into the lion's den. The Devlin lion's den! I'm scared out of my mind! But this is the only chance I have to convince everyone that Devlin, he is dangerous, and I'm bringing a secret weapon with me. This. As you know, I've always been pretty Internet savvy, so what I'm gonna do is I'm going to transmit a live video feed of my dinner at Mr. Devlin's. If he tries anything, and I mean anything, the whole world will see it on the website that devil is of the undead! Devlin. I meant to say Devlin. Devil-n. Devil-n. N-devil. N-devil! Devlin! There's something with the name, I know it. Just got to figure it out. Think. Think, Fred. I got it. If you combine Devil with Kevin, you get Devlin! Hello-ski, Fred. Welcome to my home. Hi. It's a pleasure to be here. You know, I was worried you might not show up, but I'm glad you did. I have a special meal planned that I'm very excited for you to try. It's a food I'm sure you've never eaten before. Sounds good. But there are a few preparations I need to make in the kitchen. Please make yourself at home. There's a letter in your mailbox. Figglehorn? What the heck is this? You know, Fred, tonight is a bit of a celebration. Why is that? We collected over nine gallons of blood at the blood drive. That's double the previous school record. That's a lot of blood.

Yeah.

Diesel, you've got to watch Figglehorn's website right now, man. I'm watching it, it's creeping me out. I'm handling my business in here. What are you gonna do with all that blood? What do you think? Okay, Fred. Time to dig up dinner.

You watching this?

It's so scary. Okay. Come on, I can't wait to sink my teeth into this. Oh, my gammit, he's gonna make me dig up dead bodies and eat them. Dead bodies! Help me. Shouldn't be much further now, Fred. Okay. Fred, there it is. Now, help me get this up. I'm not touching that. Who is in there? Fred, it's Kimchee. I'm gonna go wash my hands. I always wash my hands before I eat. Oh, my gammit, he's killed someone named Kim Chee, and now he expects me to eat her! I don't want to eat a dead body. What am I gonna do? Where am I? I've got to find a way out of here. Maybe that's the way out. No. Don't, Fred. Don't.

No, Fred.

Don't do it. No one ever goes for the door. What are you doing, man? Where am I? I hope that's baloney. What is that? Figglehorn. Figglehorn, turn around. Get out of there, get out of there. Fred? Come on, just don't stand there, what are you doing? There you are. I see you discovered my secret kitchen. Pretty neat, right?

What is this?

This is steak.

Steak?

For bulgogi. Korean barbecue. Fun word, right? Bulgogi. So, are we still eating Kim Chee? We're definitely, definitely eating Kimchee, which is Korean coleslaw. We bury it in the ground to help it ferment. Isn't that weird, eating stuff out of the ground? Well, we eat vegetables, and they come out of the ground, right? I don't eat vegetables. Well, what do you say we go cook this up? And on the way, I will tell you about my traditional headdress. In ancient Korea, people used to wear headdresses. Kevin, did you practice your piano? I am done with piano. What do you mean? The bat was injured, so I nursed it back to health. I tried to let it leave, but it always came back to me. So, Fred, what do you think? You know, it was really good. I knew you'd like it, and I knew it was something you'd never had before. So, why are you so interested in Korean food? Well, it brings back good memories of when I was a kid. My dad was in the army, for a while he was stationed in South Korea, we used to eat it all the time. But when I was 10, my parents got divorced, and I moved back here with my mom. Yeah, I live with my mom, too. I know. Right, you guys are dating. Boyfriend-girlfriend. Yeah. Just kidding. Did you ever miss your dad when you were growing up? A lot.

Yeah, I really miss my dad.

I suppose the good that came out of it is that when we left Korea, that's when I started taking piano lessons.

Really?

It was a gift. Music let me escape. And as an adult, music lets me be accepted. It makes people forget that they think that I'm weird. Yeah, people call me that, too. Wait, is that what you mean when you say, "Join the world with music"? When I play music, I stop being an outsider. And people stop thinking I'm weird, because I walk around with an umbrella in broad daylight to protect my skin. That is sort of weird, no offense.

No, you're right.

Don't take offense to it. I don't. Well, yeah, I think I get it now, the whole "join the world with music" thing. You know, I thought you would, which is why I was hoping that we'd become friends. We are friends. Good. Well, let's toast to it. I can't believe you ate food out of the ground. We all eat food out of the ground, Bertha, it's called vegetables. I don't eat vegetables. Figglehorn, you made it! Man, we thought you were a goner, bro. Yeah, I was so scared. You risked your life to save us. You're a hero, man! A hero! Thanks.

What were they talking about?

I have no idea. What's this? Hi, Fred. Talia, I never got a chance to apologize about the garlic. Yeah, that was weird. But it turns out you were right to warn us about Mr. Devlin. What do you mean? We all saw your video. Kevin says he's a vampire, me and my mom think he's just a weirdo. But now, we know to stay away from him. Wait. You mean the live feed on my website? People actually watched that? Yeah, everybody. But the thing is, none of that's true. It's all wrong!

Now, if everyone sees it, then...

Hey, Figglehorn. What do you want, Kevin? Hey, thanks for letting us know about that weirdo. O-M-G, what's going on here? This is bad! Mr. Devlin! Mr. Devlin, it's me, Fred. I'm here to talk to you about what's happened. I'm really sorry. Mr. Devlin, please. Oh, my gammit! He's gonna make me eat dead bodies. Dead bodies! Help me. Oh, my gammit, I've got to take down my website before it does any more damage. Wowser copter! Is that how many hits are on my website? This is really... Bad, it's bad is what it is. This website is hurting people, it hurt someone. I could have, like, a really good life if I go through with this. I mean, like, the fans will keep building up, the views will rise, I'll give me and my mom the life we deserve. Take it down, it's not a big deal. You could become famous, Fred. Take it down. No, you won't. Take it down. No! Okay, it's down. Well, Fred, Mr. Devlin's leaving, you got what you wanted. This is not what I wanted, Bertha. I mean, yeah, that's what I wanted originally, but then, over time... I was being sarcastic, I know that's not what you wanted.

I really hope it's not too late.

Me too. See you. Hey, Mom. What's all this? Only time I ever had a decent relationship with a man, he treated me with respect and was nice to me, you had to go and tell the whole world that he was evil. No, Mom, you said you'd quit. I'm depressed, Fred. This is what I do when I'm depressed. Where did you even get all this food? I was moonlighting at a bar mitzvah. I'm taking a nap. Guilt is so awful! What am I gonna do? I can't just stand by and let this happen! I've ruined a man's life by falsely accusing him of being a vampire! I've ruined my mom's one chance at true happiness! I wish I could take it back. I mean, I wish it was just me everyone was mad at again! I would trade places with him in a second. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Wait a minute. Wait a second. Trade places with him.

I need your help.

For what? I'm going to convince everyone that I'm a vampire, so they're mad at me and scared of me, and so they focus on me and blame me, so Mr. Devlin can have his life back. Fred, most people don't believe in vampires. I didn't say it was gonna be easy. I'm in. Okay. Here we go. Hey, it's me, sock puppet Fred, let me in.

Quiet, or she'll know we're in here.

I know you're in there. Talia, we're kind of busy right now.

Can I help?

No, I don't think so. We could use her. Okay, we have a lot to do, though, so... I hope we don't need my other sock puppet, though, 'cause I kind of lost myself. Okay, we don't need any sock puppets, Talia. This is serious. Okay, you see, I'm gonna convince everyone that I'm a vampire so people will leave Mr. Devlin alone. But you're the one who convinced us that he's a vampire. Exactly. So, you like Mr. Devlin now? But he's so weird. Yeah, but so am I. Everybody's weird. There are just some people who like to act like they're normal. Exactly. So, you still interested in helping? Sure. Kevin, your father and I are going out. So just make sure your sister is in bed by 9:00. Well, just so you know, Mom, I've raised my babysitting rates to $15 an hour. So... Don't we get the family discount? No, Mom, I only babysit for my family. Oh, my God, you are such a good businessman, I just love that. I am sorry. Okay, remember, she's to be in bed by 9:00. I love you. Are you Fred's girlfriend? I'm a girl and I'm Fred's friend. Did that answer my question? You tell me.

How do I look?

What? How do I look? Lose the Spock ears.

Too much?

Too cheesy. Okay. Talia! Talia! Where are you, you little maggot? Hey, Talia! Talia! Come on, you gotta come inside. If you're not home when Mom gets back, she's taking away my computer! Don't answer him. For a week! Don't worry, I don't talk to him.

He's babysitting tonight and I hate it.

Why? Is he really mean? No, he just makes me judge his fart smells. Come on, the Final Five is tonight. Devlin's got my sister.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure, Russell, I wouldn't have called you guys over here. We should call the police. Well, I'm not 100% sure. But you just said you were sure. I know, but the point is, it's my job as her babysitter to protect her. So we've got to get her, all right? I'm still not clear on how sure we are... Look, the vampire is not getting away with this, all right? How much are you getting paid to babysit? What? What does that have to do with anything? Well, you said it was your job, and we're helping you, and if you're getting paid, I think we should... It doesn't matter how much I'm getting paid, okay? The point is, Devlin is going down. Is this the actual Garden Weasel as seen on TV,

or just a cheap imitation?

Why does that matter? If I'm going to attack a vampire, I'd like to think that I'm protected by the quality craftsmanship and durability of the original Garden Weasel. Let's go. Thank you. Okay, Bertha, call the police and tell them you've seen a vampire flying over this house. Have you thought this through? I know you have my sister in there, you vampire! Hey, Devlin, we're not leaving here until you let her go, man. Hey, Devlin! Come on, I know you got my sister in there.

He thinks Devlin's got Talia.

What? Well, I should go tell them where I am. Wait. I've got a better idea. Get the heck out of here! We don't want weirdos like you around here no more. Thanks for the piano lessons! Thanks for the piano lessons? I didn't know how to play the piano, and now I do. But also, get out of our town! Kevin, what's going on here? You have my sister, Talia, in there. I know it! You need to let her go, vampire. Your sister's not in here. And there's no such thing as vampires. Yes, there is! But it's not Devlin. It's him!

You're really heavy.

Sorry. Tonight, Talia is mine! Figglehorn? I've just gotta put her down for a minute. You've got to stop him!

Me?

Yes, you! Take this stake and just drive it into Fred's heart. Why do I have to do it? Why can't we get a grown-up to do it or something? This is your sister, and it's because you and Talia have the same blood. So? Why would that... You have to do it. You're the only one that can do it! Come, my darling, join me tonight in the undead! Dude, your sister's going to be vampire meat. Do something! Stab him. Stab him in the heart. Stop me if you can, but you can't, because my powers are more intense than yours. You've got to do it! Stick this stake in him and drive the stake through his heart! Kill the vampire, save your sister! Wait! Guys, come back! I am vanquished. I killed the vampire! I killed... Figglehorn. Figglehorn? Fred?

We did it!

We did it. It worked! Okay, yeah. Turned out way better than I expected. It helps that my brother is really dumb.

And I'm really smart.

I know, you were so good.

And you had some help.

Right. Talia, you were a great help.

What?

Easy, I'm injured here, okay? U- G-L-Y, you ain't got no alibi, you ugly Yeah, yeah, you ugly Well, I did it! A complete success. Everyone's gonna be talking about me now, about how scary I was! I've saved Mr. Devlin's career, and now, I can sleep the sleep of the just.

I'm proud of you, Son.

Thank you, Dad. Your hand's cold. You know what they say, cold hands, warm heart. I thought it was just because you live in a refrigerator. It's really more of an office. Can I get you some steak sauce for that?

Nice one, Dad.

Good night, Son. Good night, Dad. Hello-ski, Mr. Devlin. Hello-ski, Fred. So, do you want me to help you take down this sign then? No, I'm afraid not, Fred. The sign is staying, it is I who am leaving. What? I mean, don't you have your job back?

Didn't they unfire you?

I didn't get fired, Fred, I quit. I decided that it's time for me to move on. I don't want to live in a place where I have toforce people to accept me for who I am. Nobody wants that, Fred. I have the freedom to leave, and I appreciate that. But you tried to correct your mistake, and in my book, that's the sign of a true friend.

I'm going to miss you, Mr. Devlin.

I'm going to miss you, too, Fred. It's sad that he's leaving. Yeah, I know. It really bums me out. Maybe she'll cheer you up. Nah! I don't really think there's a future there.

No?

No. I mean, I need a woman who's going to challenge me a little more. You know, there's really only one upside to this whole thing.

What's that?

This. My bad! Figglehorn! Mommy! Freddie, I'm going out with Jake for a little good-bye snack. Are you sad he's leaving? A little, but it never would have worked out. He's too nice. I couldn't keep up the charade much longer that I was nice, too. Mom, you're nice. You're sweet.

Hello-ski.

Hello-ski yourself! You two be careful. Don't stay out too late. What? You're afraid we're gonna run into vampires? I want to suck your blood. Very funny. I've been working on being more humorous.

Well, I better get my jacket.

Okay.

It's getting a little chill-ski.

Maybe it'll snow-ski. You're so fun-ski. Here, let me get the door.--> -->